My rest in this new environment was sporadic. I was woken by loud crackles of the fire during the night, which tempted my mind into waking action. Even looking at the fire was too much for me; it was bad enough to hear it. Fire was too familiar to us all in a horrible way now. Sleep's mercy eventually covered me after each disturbance. I slept later than I had meant to, finally rising for good around mid-morning. A smoldering fire and Rags were my only company this morning as I rose to clean my clothes and get a drink of water from the barrel. "Hey Rags," I said quietly as I gently pet the gigantic dog. A note scrawled upon the mantle with charcoal from the fire elucidated the others' whereabouts after I ritual cast Comprehend Languages. Betiara and Keff had left to fulfill their economic duties, Sekvi had gone to the market to busk, and Lilika had taken to exploring the locale. A key and some money had been left for me with which to purchase food and utensils for the household, and Rags had stayed with me so that I wouldn't be alone in this scary new place. A little doodle of his face completed the note. I couldn't help but wonder if Lilika framed her statement in a flare of adorable narration, or if her ability to speak with Rags informed her of the dire dog's actual intent. In either case, I had my mission for the day.
The weather was bright, clear, and slightly warmer than I was used to back in Karthos Bend. Letvel was a bustling city indeed; all sorts of people and carts were passing down the central road through town. Their conversations featured a constant backdrop of the Tagat River rushing off to my left. My best guess of where I could ascertain food, dishes and utensils was to head to the market. Rags stayed close to me as we traveled away from the main road in search of less busy options. This was the first time I had casually walked with my staff, and I had no idea what to do with it. Did I rest it over my shoulder? Was it to be used as a walking stick? Leaving it at home was another option, but given everything that had happened to me lately, I didn't want to be without some measure of protection in a busy city like this. I noticed others glancing at me, occasionally lingering with curiosity, as Rags and I made for the market. Smiles seemed to dissuade anyone from becoming curious enough to talk to me. That suited me well; my anxiety was already mounting due to the sheer unknowns Letvel would have in store for me.
While the market had still been somewhat active at night, it was an absolute force during the day. I noticed a docked ship being unloaded to my right as Rags and I entered the area. It was low to the water and relatively narrow. Seeing the water rushing by the stationary craft made me wonder how river boats returned to their points of origin without engine power... that would be a question for Sekvi. This idea gave me pause. Why couldn't I simply ask one of the dock workers how it was done? That was the simplest solution, but the thought of engaging with a stranger was scary to me. They could say something hurtful, or worse, accuse me of something I hadn't done. Perhaps even worse, I could disrupt the work they were so diligently doing or accidentally invite someone to hit on me! Rags' cold nose brushed against my hand as I stood staring in the direction of the boat. This grounded me and allowed me the opportunity to take a reality check. Was this any way for a wizard to act, let alone a functional adult in public society? I thought of my teacher, so confident and talented in their craft, and Keff, who ran a forward-facing business that I had also worked in. I had been a manager of a Taco Bell, for fuck's sake!
"Excuse me," I asked, my chest fluttering with fear of how I could be received by a man carrying a clipboard as he watched the goings-on.
"What is it?" His tone wasn't unfriendly, it was a simple, colorless question meant to ascertain functional information. This was okay. I felt that I could do this.
"I'm new in town; how would this vessel return up river after it's unloaded?"
"Ah, well, this particular craft is headed for the capital. See the way it's put together?" I followed his gesture to investigate the craft. It looked rather simple, even modular, by the way the joinery was visible along the sides. "It'll be disassembled and shipped back up the road. More local ships can be rowed or towed for short distances, or in flatter waters than these." It was such a simple answer. I felt glad that this interaction had gone well even if I could eventually piece these facts together myself.
"That's very practical. Thank you, I hope the rest of your day goes well."
"It will, as long as the Tagat doesn't dry up, too! The same to you." The conversation ended on a perfectly reasonable note, and I left the dock with Rags in tow feeling shaken, but proud of myself for my progress. Even the tiniest of victories felt larger than the sum of their parts. I located the food stalls through the admittedly repulsive smell of fish. Traveling further into the dense rows of stalls rewarded me with the sights of vegetables grown in Winter and early Spring, both fresh and preserved. There were a lot more options here than there were in Karthos Bend; I suspected that some amount of this food had been imported, especially the spices. A meal, or a series of them, had to be planned before I bought anything out of impulse. Something simple to cook, filling, and cheap would be a great way to keep everyone fed. Dishes like bean chili, soup, and bread would certainly go a long way and cover nutritional needs well. With the handful of gold coins burning a hole in my pocket, I first procured some plates, bowls and basic utensils. I also purchased a glass jug after a tantalizing idea came to mind.
It was nearly noon by the time I had finished my shopping. I came in under budget, of course, while having bought everything I needed to and more. Table settings for five people were stacked in my hands as I walked back toward the house. Two glass jugs, one full of salted vegetable broth and one empty, hung from my fingers, and my bag was stuffed full of hearty vegetables, lentils, a sack of wheat-like grain and a few pieces of acidic fruit. To top it all off, a small pack of cooking tools weighed over my shoulder in a large, rolled pouch and a pot and pan attached to the outside. I had failed to account for how much all of this would weigh for the long walk back to the house. Rags amused himself by periodically bumping the empty jug with his nose as we walked, which threatened to shatter if it came loose from my finger. At least he had seen fit to carry my staff in his mouth for me. I was frazzled when I returned home and had to lay down for a moment to gather myself anew. Letvel's markets featured haggling as a centerpiece, which had drastically worn my social batteries down for the morning, and the stress of not dropping the jug and plates as I walked hadn't helped matters. I now had the quiet house to myself, however, and this would give me time to cook in pleasant peace and transcribe the spells I had formulated during our long ride in the wagon.
Making bread from scratch was intimidating enough for me to save that endeavor for later in the day. I'd made it at home a handful of times, but I had never had to grind my own flour before. I looked over the counter that was pleasantly illuminated from above by a small pair of windows. The food I had purchased today would probably feed all five of us for two days. Rags couldn't tell me what he needed to eat, so I hoped that Lilika could cover such matters herself. My edible materials consisted of the following: water, vegetable oil, salted vegetable broth, red lentils, grollos, tetalas, kervas, some kind of gourd, a rice-like grain, and spices resembling garlic, black pepper, garam masala, salt, and finally two large kobraan. The vendor was very insistent that the plural of kobraan was kobraan. It was a green fruit with a thin, lumpy skin that reminded me of an avocado, but the inside was reminiscent of a soggy, squishy lime. I was assured that that was the ideal state for this part of the plant. How something like this could become a savory, resplendent sparkdrop was anyone's guess.
I could make three separate items with these ingredients. The first was a lentil chili, the second was a sort of squash curry over rice, and bread was to be, well, bread. Just as I had finished laboriously juicing the kobraan with a spoon to make an analog of lemon water, the door opened to reveal that Lilika had returned from her exploration. "You sure look busy! How was Rags?" She seemed to be refreshed, even spirited, from her time away from the city.
"He was good. A little rambunctious around the shiny stuff but he didn't leave my side for a second. Thank you for letting him stay with me."
"Of course. Here, you don't look like you've had breakfast." She handed me an enchanted torberry that I ate happily. "So, what all did you get?"
"Spices, uh, some broth, grain, vegetables, lentils. Dishes, forks and spoons, some tools. And this thing," I said, holding the large yellow-brown gourd up to her. "I don't remember what half this shit's called."
"We'll go over it later. Need some help?"
"Please, yeah. I have ideas but I've never made flour before, and second opinions are always helpful in a kitchen."
"Sure thing, sweetie. What are your plans for all this?" Lilika fed Rags a berry and ruffled his fur. I was glad that she took a bowl of water in which to wash her hands afterward.
"So we have five people, and at least one meal today. I figure the bread will be stable for a bit so we can use that as float. For dinner, a lentil chili sort of thing and a kind of gourd curry over rice should fill everyone up. With this fruity water here, that should give everyone a nice balance of nutrients." Lilika raised her eyebrow, obviously unfamiliar with some of these terms, so I took the opportunity to explain them to her. "Chili is like a chunky vegetable soup, and curry is a smoother one that's served with other things. They're both pretty easy to make. When do you think we should get started?"
"I see, I'm excited to try these, Madison. We should make the bread first; the others won't be back until nightfall, so we have some time for the chili and the curry." We surveyed the tools available and came up with a plan. The flat bottoms of the ceramic plates could be used to grind the grain directly against the stone counter after it was cleaned off. We would bake the dough in the metal pot while covered by the metal pan. Wild yeast would be relied upon to make the bread rise, which was a new concept to me, but Lilika seemed to have all the confidence in the world when she explained it to me. A surprising amount of time and effort were required to accumulate enough flour, but more hands certainly made less work. We set a bowl of water, kobraan juice and peels of the same outside and covered it with a light cloth while we reviewed future processes and tended the fire. Sure enough, around an hour later, we saw bubbles beginning to form on the surface of our watery mixture. We used this water to constitute our dough after shredding the kobraan peels as finely as we could. This mixture was covered again to rise.
Cooking with Lilika was fun. "So there's just yeast out in the air like that?"
"There sure are! All the farming nearby and the flowers across the road make plenty. There was a chance we wouldn't get anything, but we caught some hungry ones today."
"That's amazing. On Earth, you can buy little packets of it. It's like a powder you add sugar and warm water to."
"That sounds horrible!" Lilika laughed.
"It's not nearly as fun as this is. Do you think I did alright with my purchases?"
"I think you did great. The prices seem decent considering all you got."
"Haggling is so nerve-wracking. I'm used to prices for things being listed." The involved cooking, washing of dishes and maintaining the fire meant that it would likely be tonight before I could construct the spells I had in mind. This workload felt enough for me to sit with; it felt calmer and much less stressful than a fast food kitchen. What was better was that I would get to enjoy the actual, good food that I helped make. None of this had been frozen and driven thousands of miles by a diesel truck. None of it had been mass-produced, pre-packaged, or the least bit wasteful in its production. It all felt very honest.
"That's why I had my garden," Lilika explained. "I could choose what to grow and when, and didn't have to ask anyone for anything but seeds. Maybe I'll have another garden one day..." Rags lumbered over to us and lay his head on the druid's cot. They conversed through the mysterious medium of Druidic for a moment. I heard an indignant whine as the dire dog wandered to lay in front of the fireplace.
"What's it like to talk to animals?"
"Very honest; their priorities are simple. Rags asked me when we were going home, and I had to tell him we weren't going back there for a while, so now he's pouting." She leaned back against the wall with her hands held behind her head. "How do you feel about it?"
"I don't blame him for being disappointed."
"No, about not going home for a while." I couldn't tell whether Lilika was referring to Lancaster or Karthos Bend. Was I ready for this question? She must have been testing the emotional waters.
"I guess I'm... haunted a bit. I don't think I can ever look at fire like I did before." I saw a glint of inspiration in Lilika's eye.
"No... or bears."
"Or bears. Actually, I've been wondering something. If I'm a dragonborn now, that means that there have to be dragons to be born from, right?"
"Oh, yes. Many of them are reclusive, but some dragons like to join our towns and lead very social lives by our standards. I believe I met one once."
"You did?"
"I believe I did. I was visiting town one day to get some kerva seeds -- the batch that grew that real big one, actually -- and there were some foreign diplomats Sekvi was talking with while they showed a group around town. I met eyes with one of them. Now you know when you feel something in your gut, when you don't have any other clues to inform that feeling?"
"Yeah, definitely, like when someone's watching you or someone wants something from you."
"That's it. This one, they felt... big. I don't know how else to put it. They looked like an elf but they didn't have the air of one at all." Lilika was telling me this story with all the veracity of an elder assuring me that they had once seen Bigfoot with their own two eyes. I believed her more than I believed my grandparents, however, after witnessing the uncanny insight she seemed to carry at all times.
"Did anything happen with their visit?"
"No, I think they were just business investors or something. I heard them talking about the mining outside of Bresig, that town West where we were." A shrug of her shoulders told me that whether that person had been a dragon or not, not much likely came of their visit due to the recent demise of the town. I traced a thumb over my opposite hand.
"Dragons... I guess I feel overwhelmed? In a constant, ambient sense. Sekvi thinks I touched the Weave, and that brought me here. Possibility. This place feels like it has a lot more of it than where I came from, but there's so many basic things I don't understand and may never understand as much as someone that was born here." I continued to fidget with my hands as I wrangled my mind into more sensible endeavors than panic. "Part of me wonders if those possibilities had always been on Earth, too, and that I just wasn't... living up to them, or something." Lilika watched me for several seconds before she spoke again.
"We can only do our best in the time we can do it. I see you doing your best; does it really matter at the end of the day?"
"I guess not. I don't dislike being here, and I didn't enjoy my time on Earth. I guess comparing the two is looking a gift horse in the mouth."
"Maybe it is, but there's nothing wrong about how you choose to sort it out in your head. Okay? Just make sure that you're fair to yourself while you do it." Lilika was right; that was something else I could work to better in myself. I felt more emotionally resilient after my success this morning and sleeping in a motionless bed last night.
"I'm working on finding the balance." Even so, something was bothering me that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
"Speaking of balance, it's about time we put the bread on. Let's get to it!" The dough had risen plentifully by the time of our second check. A promising result was just what I needed to feel hopeful about my first time making bread from bare ingredients. We spoke further about our feelings and thoughts of inconsequential things while the bread baked in its makeshift cast iron shell. Lilika suggested that we find ways to decorate this temporary space to make it feel more comfortable and inviting during our time here. I, being of more utilitarian mind, didn't see much practical use in doing so... but it was impossible to ignore the emotional benefit it could have for our ailing souls. It didn't take much convincing for me to agree to her proposal. She practically flew from the house to search for some moss, plants and discarded pottery she could use for her purposes. Rags went with her this time, leaving me to tend to the bread on my own. I enjoyed the solitude until I found myself staring at the fire in between my culinary ventures.
That was what had been bothering me all day: the fire. The light in the dim space, the sound, the glow, it all reminded me of the way the Karthos Valley had met its end. Each crackle of the fire put me on edge. I could feel my shoulders hike up and pull in every time it happened. Was this worth warmth? Given that I had a reptilian body now, it was likely a necessary evil. I couldn't do much cooking without a fire, either. An uncomfortable, nervous groan rose through my throat. Were there perhaps alternatives to mundane, combustive fires in this place of possibility? I would have to wait until Lilika or Sekvi returned to get an answer. Transcribing my spells was enough to distract me for a while. I managed to finish one of them by the time the bread was done, which had materialized as a spell I referred to rather plainly as Identify. This ritual spell would elucidate the properties and uses of magical items, and it also carried the potential to ascertain the origins of items' enchantments. With this done, I carefully removed the bread from its lashing, burning prison and leaned over the counter to gather myself again.
Every tiny touch of heat that had infringed upon my hands, arms and face when I had approached the fire felt as if it had scored emotional scars in me. The heat remained after I'd pulled away. I felt my neck and shoulders tense entirely on their own. Anger rose as I fought to retain my emotional constitution. It was still inside the room save for the occasional flick of the fire. I clenched my fists. This was so out of character for me. I wasn't the kind of person that got angry; dissociation and functional apathy had been my bread and butter. What had changed, and why? I had to get it out of me before it burned all of me away. A shout, ferocious and draconic, erupted from me as I forced a fist into the stone wall above the cabinet. This quickly became a whimper, then a wail as I sank with my back turned to the wall I had struck. My hand was bleeding from an open gash over my middle knuckle. Pain radiated down my fingers and up through my wrists as I held myself and rocked forward and back to shed some of the excess adrenaline that now plagued me. I didn't know why I had done that. Such things were beyond me. What was happening in my head that could cause an explosion like that? Something was clearly wrong.
Lilika returned to find me in the same position, sobbing over my hobbled hand. It had curled in on itself slightly and moving it only earned me intense agony. "What happened?!" She knelt beside me and began to glance around. Blood must have been visible over the stone above. "Let me see... oh, it's broken. Let me fix it." I managed to look up at her, but shame tore the visual away from me. Her concern, her worry, it burned me in a different way than the fire had. I couldn't bear to look at her or my hand, so I held it out to her. A whispered chant that invoked stars and patience reached my ears. Cold flowed gently over my hand and followed the trails my burning pain had forged. As it faded, I felt better. I was healed, if only physically. Lilika didn't say anything at all as Rags pressed me back against the wall with his enormous head. The sky could be falling all around me, and I wouldn't miss an opportunity to pet this caring animal. I slumped forward over him and wept quietly to myself. His thick, braided fur soaked up my tears without qualm.
"It hurts. It hurts and I hate it. I fucking hate it so much, Lilika." I felt her sit beside me but heard only silence as she looked me over. A hand came to rest on my upper back. Between her comfort and Rags' support, stillness that even fire couldn't touch returned to the room. My strength eventually returned to me. I sat up to lean my head against the wall, only for my horns to catch it first. As far gone as I currently felt, I nearly laughed.
"Talk to me. Your hand's not the only thing that's broken." My expression fell numb, heavy-lidded, and silently resentful as I stared down my new nemesis. Lilika followed my gaze.
"The fire. ...in hindsight, maybe we should have known better than to leave you here with it."
"I could have gone somewhere else. The note didn't say to cook, just to get food."
"So why did you do it?"
"It felt like the right thing to do."
"Because you wanted to help, right? You took it upon yourself."
"Yeah, but I needed a distraction, too." Now felt like... well, the matter was relevant. "Is there a way we can be warm without a fire? I don't think I can stand it anymore, at least without someone here." How pitiful was it to need to be accompanied? My only peace had been solitude, and now that was being reduced to ashes along with so many other aspects of my life. Lilika made an uncertain noise while she considered my question.
"There might be. I can ask Sekvi; I'm sure they'd know. Madison... do you remember what we said to you yesterday?"
"It's okay to not be okay. But I don't feel like it is, not when everyone else isn't okay either."
"Is this any better?" She asked, gently holding my hand up while she carefully flexed my fingers to check for lingering damage. I noticed that her healing had closed the wound on my knuckle. Her question stung a little, and it meant to. Breaking down like this definitely wasn't any better when it also cost the others resources and worry when they had their own to consider.
"It feels worse."
"What were you feeling when this happened, sweetie?" It had all happened so quickly. The fire burned me, I thought of Karthos Bend in ruins... the bodies, the smoke, the numbness, I remembered it all very clearly.
"Helpless. Angry for feeling that way. Like I wasn't able to stop it or save anyone." It took Lilika some time to think of how to address this feeling. She looked into the fire, too, losing herself in it for a moment.
"I think I understand," she began. "You've felt this way before. Maybe you feel it very often. When you got here and found work, you felt good about it, and learning magic only helped. You were going to open your laundry service! But all of that got burned away in a whim of nature. Am I close?" Close? I felt spikes pressing into my entire being as she spoke. She had seen right through the cloudy trauma that had blocked my sight.
"That's why I decided to make food, I guess. So I could do something." I took a breath and thought about all of the people here, doing something. There were citizens of the city, refugees from elsewhere, all doing something for one reason or another. Memories of my little victory this morning came back to me... and I had an idea that completely derailed my attention to the matter at hand. I was grateful. "Oh, shit. Shit! Sekvi wanted to get to the capital, right?"
"I think so, yes, what is it?"
"I fucking, the ship at the dock! That's where they're going! The river boat!"
"What about it?" My mind was racing. If we were on a wooden ship, there wouldn't be fire, and we wouldn't have to wait an entire week to move on.
"Maybe we can convince them to let us go with them. Help with shipments or something, it's better than just sitting here like this." For the first time, I saw Lilika's face sour. It was not a pleasant sight; she took a breath to gather herself before she provided her thoughts on the matter.
"Madison, we only just got here. This is the first opportunity any of us have had to rest in days. Even then, that boat's probably full up; why would they let strangers come with them that haven't ever touched water?" I was desperate. I felt like an asshole, but I was desperate. It was so conflicting... even that evaluation began to slip into uncertainty.
"It's... can we bring it up to the others and see what they think?" Lilika chewed on the sentiment. I needed rest, too, but could I rest here in wait of something that would take days to arrive? Could I rest like this?
"I suppose that's only fair. But, if you're gonna be fair, then don't half-ass it, alright? I have terms."
"Wh-... what are they?"
"When you start feeling bad like this again, find us. Tell us. Tell someone. What would happen if you broke your hand and no one was around to fix it? How would that feel for you, and for us?" She had a very good point; Lilika always had a very good point.
"I'm sorry. I will."
"I know, sweetie. I know you are... but if we're in this together, then we need you to be in this, too." I watched her face, finding it hard to keep my head aloft enough to see her properly. I had been unfair. This idea was wrong. Fuck, I had been a selfish asshole and put my short-sighted need to escape over the others' need to rest, which I also needed to do! "Second, if we decide to do this and manage to convince a bunch of professionals to let a gaggle of refugees onto their boat, and the journey goes fine, you're going to rest in Nereved if it means I have to glue you to a chair. How's that?"
"We don't have to do it. It was a bad idea. You're right."
"I might be a little upset, myself. Maybe they'll like the idea, I don't know. What I want is for you to not have to go through this again. You understand that, don't you?"
"I don't feel like I've done a good job of showing it." I ached. I wanted to curl into a ball and be invisible for the ill I had caused with my suggestion. "You're all going through it and I'm here just..."
"Trying to escape?" Ow. That hurt.
"Well...! It feels better than sitting still when there's something to do, I guess. I didn't mean to come here." Rags pressed his head against me once more. It must have been his way of telling me to stay calm.
"I wasn't trying to imply anything. Fire's difficult for me too, after what happened." Lilika joined me in petting Rags. "I see you're focused on doing things, as a distraction, for a sense of motion. The others aren't here to talk to right now, so why don't you start with some vegetables while I get this plant potted up? It'll keep the bugs out." I looked past her to see a tall plant with slender leaves and a purple bulb cresting its stalk. It lay directly on the floor in a small pile of dirt. Where was she going to put that? She was so forgiving of my error; I wondered whether that choice came more from empathy, or from pity. It was likely both. I didn't want to make the same mistake again.
"Sure. ...I'm sorry, Lilika. Things are just so much right now." Water made short work of the half-dried blood that coated my right hand. I set my knife and a kerva onto the counter and sighed at the futility that threatened to overwhelm me. "More than resting, like, what should I do to fix this?"
"It's alright, Madison. We're all feeling uprooted right now, and that's because we have been," the druid explained as she dragged an old, discarded clay pot through the doorway. The presence of the pot answered one of my questions. "That's what's going to help us all, I think: roots. That's why I think resting would be a good idea, as much as I dislike being in a city." This was another factor I'd failed to consider. Lilika lived out on her own for a reason.
"...just to be uprooted again?" I asked, the feeling of futility being the only thing that I felt rooted to in this moment.
"Yes and no. We have to learn how to ground ourselves in the short term so we can ground ourselves in each other in the long term." She shot a smiling glance at me as she heaped the plant into its waiting pot. "When you get to be my age, you start looking further ahead." This group of people was her long term plan, then. Perhaps I was her plan. I recalled her saying that she would only go to Nereved if I was to accompany the rest of the group. So much trust had been placed in me, and I was failing to reciprocate it. I desperately searched for what exactly was wrong with me and found that I had never had this level of interpersonal trust in my life before. This was new, and I was learning. Lilika could probably tell that that was the case, which meant that it wasn't pity I was being shown: it was patience.
"Alright," I replied in quiet resolution. "I'll think about that. Thank you." For all that I had lost in the destruction of a town which had served as my first taste of safety in my life, I hadn't lost my friends, even as I made mistakes and misjudgments that they didn't deserve. Something had to give, and I wanted it to be my fear that broke instead of something worthwhile. I began slicing the vegetables to be used in the chili. There hadn't been any analogues of tomatoes that I could find. If we were to stay in Letvel through the week after all, that would be next on my list of food items to purchase for everyone. My progress halted as a thought occurred to me: was I supposed to peel these? I tasted a piece of the raw kerva and found it to be similar to a carrot in texture. An astringent bitterness was present in this, too, but it carried a light spice to it akin to ginger. Looking over the amount of kerva I had purchased, I decided to save some of it for use in the squash curry to give it some contrasting texture and complimentary flavor.
"Good, huh?"
"Yeah, it is. It's like a carrot mixed with ginger." I paused, looking over to watch Lilika gently settling the soil around the base of the plant. Judging by the smell, she had simply scooped some of it from outside. Her utilitarian manner was endearing to me.
"What part's which?"
"It's stiff and kind of sweet like a carrot is. I heard that wild carrots were originally purple before they were bred to be orange, but I never had one. Ginger is usually used as a spice, and this has the same pleasant... burn to it. I think I might use some in the curry."
"That sounds like a good idea! A little crunch will help it out."
"I hope so." The rest of our preparatory efforts went more smoothly. Lilika stayed close to me as if to signal that she was there for me, which I appreciated in spite of not feeling that that was something I deserved after the way I'd acted earlier. That decision wasn't up to me, it was up to Lilika and the others. I made sure that I was always within easy access in order to put both of our worries at ease. The results of my culinary experiments were better than I expected! I felt that the chili, though lacking tomatoes and several spices I liked to use at home, was passable. The relatively light, but wide flavors of the ingredients came together very well with the lentils I'd selected. My squash curry, while a great idea in theory, was underwhelming to me. For lack of a better word, I found the taste too... gourdy. I supposed that I was unlikely to enjoy everything I tried here in the Cradle. We left the dishes on a lower heat while I transcribed my second spell and Lilika played with Rags. She spoke to him in druidic just after the food was done, which led them both to glance over at me. I pretended not to notice, but I wondered what they were talking about.
The ink was still drying on Detect Magic when the others arrived. Sekvi entered first and reported an unsuccessful day of busking. Four copper coins were all they had managed after assembling a meager lunch, but they assured me that greatness began at the bottom. I couldn't find it in me to question that logic, and offered some words of encouragement instead. Keff arrived next with a full day's pay and stone dust coating an apron he had borrowed for the course of his work. He took the wash basin outside and poured it over himself, then shook the water off with a bracing shout of affirmation. I felt better knowing at least one of the group had had a decent day. Betiara, however, hurried into the spare room to pace for a few minutes. She didn't say a word to anyone until we sat down to eat and begin our discussion of moving on sooner than we had planned to. "So... we might have an opportunity to reach the capital early," I began, before Lilika abruptly continued for me.
"There's a merchant ship headed to the capital. They unloaded it this afternoon and they're loading it up again tonight; I was unsure, but Madison here thought it would be something to discuss as a group." I couldn't believe it. After everything, even the additional grace she had shown me earlier, Lilika was covering for me in case the suggestion wasn't received well. ...she wanted to relieve some of the pressure and urgency I felt.
"Let's do it," Betiara asserted without hesitation. "The capital needs an update and we can get there more quickly than anyone else. Letvel's aid alone won't be enough to locate and bury all those bodies in a timely manner."
"As well as I know the mayor," Sekvi added, "it would ultimately be better to spread word of this. Many lives will be affected directly and indirectly by loss, personal or economic." Keff uttered an uneasy sound as he considered his position on the matter.
"Someone's got to build that wall. They need all the expertise they can get, and all kinds of creatures will already be eating what'll get buried anyway." The look on Sekvi's face was utterly exasperated as they glared at Keff. "You know I'm right. Probably better that they do, considering those undead Betiara dealt with last week."
"Two weeks ago," she corrected. "As far as anyone saw. They're dealt with."
"Well, fine. Lilika?"
"Keff, seriousl-"
"I feel it's best if we all take some time to rest," Lilika insisted. Her gentleness was not bereft of assertiveness, and everyone quieted to listen to her input on the matter. "We've all had a difficult time of things lately. We've all lost something. As I was telling Madison earlier, we need to take this time to get to know each other and make connections while we let other events take their course. The effects of Karthos Bend will be with us for the rest of our lives, so we should do this right. That's what I think." Everyone reflected on the sentiment together as the room fell into a tense silence. Betiara's expression hadn't changed at all; her answer wouldn't either. Sekvi had their face in their hands, and resigned to let their forehead dramatically fall low in a show of defeat. Keff looked to Sekvi in thinly veiled concern, and Lilika was looking to me. Eventually, everyone came to do the same as my anxiety grew. If the others considered this a vote, then I was the tie breaker unless Rags was going to throw his hat into the ring. Dogs didn't wear hats, so that was unlikely.
I didn't have any idea what I was supposed to say; I hardly knew what was right to say. The way they all looked to me, the least prepared person in this house for such decisions, terrified me. This could be responsibility that I now held in my hands. On one of those hands, Betiara and Sekvi had made a strong argument on the behalf of others that will be affected by the tragedy. On the other, people here needed our help, too, and we would need to be coordinated in smooth operation if we were to be effective in doing so. I wondered if it was wrong to think of myself during this moment. I felt like it was wrong, but perhaps this was what needed to happen. This was a choice that would come to matter. With that in mind, an idea suddenly came to mind. I had worked in fast food. "If we're putting this to a vote, I don't know enough to say what we should do. I haven't... been as good a friend as I could have been today and I've only spent two weeks on this planet so I don't know shit. But I have an idea: a compromise." I leaned forward in my chair and gestured to everyone in turn.
"We stay here, and rest, and connect, and build a stronger base like Lilika says." I expected Sekvi and Betiara to have negative reactions to this idea, but they, along with Keff and Lilika, looked to me with interest. "Sekvi, your handwriting is great. We can send a letter forward with a little money for that trade vessel so they can deliver the details for us while we convalesce here." Without hesitation, Sekvi stood and rushed toward the door, giving me a hearty pat on the back as they went. Keff leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head and an expression of satisfaction. I could have sworn Lilika had a star in her eyes by the smile she gave me. Betiara, however, looked unsure.
"I'd prefer to move on." She offered no explanation. I sighed.
"Honestly, I would too, b-"
"So we're agreed, then?"
"No. If I ran from this I'd be running on a broken leg." It was a truth I didn't enjoy facing, but I needed to do it before I did something that caused actual harm to someone else. "While everyone was gone I kind of zoned out and lost it on the wall and broke my hand. I'm, I'm not okay. I don't want this to be like Madison keeps everyone from doing important shit, so getting the word out with a letter is the best I can do right now."
"You what?" Keff sat forward in his chair again. "Shit. Alright. Fine. Madison, I'm angry too. You and me, we can deal with it together. How'd you like to punch me?"
"I fuckin', wouldn't," I stammered, unsure of why he made the suggestion. Keff simply laughed and waved a hand at me. "It's a game dwarves play sometimes. Should have seen the look on your face."
"Is now the time for jokes?" Betiara asked as she readied another bite of her food.
"We need it most right now," Keff countered with well-humored confidence. "We can work it out together, Madison. You had a good idea with that letter."
"Thank you. I'm sorry for everything."
"For what?"
"Everything? Making you worry, being a selfish asshole for trying to prioritize wanting to run from this over everyone's wellbeing, and I just feel like I should be sorry." I felt a lump form in my throat, but I was determined not to cry again.
"No harm has been done, sweetie. Thank you for hearing me before."
"It feels like the least I can do." I cast a meek glance at the others as I resumed my eating as well. "How's the food?"
"The curry's great. Chili, I'm not sold on yet," Keff reported.
"It's not the same without tomatoes, but I think I can improve it a lot as I learn more about the food here."
"It's very nice," Betiara said quietly, as if her mind were elsewhere. "I didn't think food without meat could be this good." That compliment felt like a sun had risen inside me.
"I felt the same way a few years ago."
"The bread, too," Lilika added. "I can taste the care we put into it. The kobraan's a little bitter, but it's growing on me. It's nice in the water!"
"Me, too. Once I can make a proper chili, if you dip bread in it... that's the best way to do it." I could feel a smile forming on my face for the first time in hours. As many times as I had failed today, as many mistakes that I'd made, the food wasn't one of them. The food disappeared quickly, especially the curry that I wasn't fond of. That meant breakfast tomorrow would be chili and citrus water. I was looking forward to that. After we made short work of cleaning up for the night, I found myself feeling listless. My spells were done, and it was past sundown, but I had some leftover nerves that I needed to burn off. I sat quietly debating myself for an hour while I entertained the thought of going for a nighttime walk. Eventually, I had to concede that I was never going to get anywhere unless I asked the others for input. "Do you think it's safe to walk here at night?"
"It should be," Betiara said. She had been pacing in the spare room ever since we finished cleaning. "The patrols are regular and consistent... actually, if you're going on a walk, I'll go, too." I accepted the offer; Betiara appeared to need to stretch her legs as much as I did.
"Take Rags with you," Lilika advised. "He'll have too much energy tomorrow, otherwise." Betiara and I accepted Rags and brought him along with us. I wondered if he should be on a leash in a city like this, but as far as I had seen, he was very well-behaved and a total softie. Leash laws were very important on Earth for good reason, however. I decided it was best to ask.
"Should he be on a leash while we walk him?"
"No. He's too intelligent to need one or put up with one. The only trouble he'll give is in self-defense." I had little choice but to trust Lilika and hope for the best. We welcomed the dire dog along with us as we stepped out into the cold. Despite the presence of two capable friends, I brought my staff along, just in case. Falling snow was a surprise to us, as were largely quiet streets. The night market didn't seem to be as busy tonight. Perhaps it hadn't opened yet? It was only between eight and nine o'clock, by my estimate. I took a moment to stand still amid a quiet, stone city nestled in the heart of the wilderness as I listened to the faint sound of snow. It sounded like very gentle, soft static in the night as it fell. It stilled my heart in a way nothing else had ever done so before.
"It's nice, huh?" Betiara asked as she gazed up at the dark, cloudy sky above us. "Do they have snow on Earth?"
"Yeah. I've never noticed how quiet it is. It's like rain, but it makes me feel... soft. I like this." My hood had to be put on before my head got too cold in this weather, and that was our cue to begin walking. I noticed that Betiara hadn't taken her daggers or her sword off yet. Was she worried about an attack? Did she feel safer with them? Had she simply forgotten? I would get my answer as we walked aimlessly around the city, admiring the gentle lights of storefronts and homes.
"I think some of the guard suspect me," She whispered once we hadn't seen anyone in a few minutes. "Werewolves are more common in the forests and the marsh near here. We can hide more easily, so people are warier." My stomach sank as I considered the possible implications. That was indeed a very good reason to want to leave Letvel as soon as possible.
"What could happen if they find out?" Betiara's expression hardened as she looked down into the snow that was slowly piling in the streets.
"They'll probably capture me and try to cure me. My reputation and my combat abilities would suffer. I wouldn't... be me anymore." I looked on with concern, slowing my pace until she motioned for me to keep up with hers. "The louder our footsteps are, the less attention people pay, and they won't hear us."
"Okay. Sorry. If... well, if you're okay with it and you're not hurting anyone else, then why would they try to, undo it?"
"Because not everyone handles it as well as I do." I thought of what I had experienced and quickly realized exactly what Betiara meant.
"What do we do, then? Do you need to leave?"
"I might. But I don't want to. You and Keff made good points, and... I'm used to hiding it." She sighed, looking over to me with worry cracking her typically stoic demeanor. I took a leaf from Lilika's book and positioned myself a little closer to her as we walked.
"I wish you didn't have to."
"So do I. It's nice that there are some people I can trust with it, and one that understands some of it." She started to smile. "What you don't understand, what most never could, is how wild and free I feel when I can run through the grassland as a wolf. Nothing else compares when it all falls away and all I need to do is be." It sounded pleasant. Part of me wondered if I could come to experience something like that through magic one day; I imagined it could provide a potent sense of perspective.
"Do you mean you can, like, change fully?" Betiara nodded toward Rags.
"The experience is different, since I retain my cognition. I'm a little bigger than Rags." The mention of the dire dog's name inspired him to flap his tail with abandon.
"Whoa. He's huge though."
"Wolves are bigger than you think," she said with a grin of amusement. That yellow tooth of hers combined with her principled nature and what I would call roguish handsomeness inspired a certain charm about her. "But being in-between has its advantages, too, like having thumbs." I couldn't help but chuckle at the thought.
"Does any of this inform your politics at all?"
"Entirely." Betiara gestured around us at all the buildings and the lamp posts that surrounded us. I looked up, suddenly feeling choked by the overhanging wooden structures that comprised the top floors of several buildings. "Everyone -- you, me, every person that has ever lived and will ever live -- is an animal. So many people try to run from it, but I think we should embrace it. Does any animal need to hoard wealth while others starve? Does any dog pup need to live without safety or love? Do any of us deserve to have our inherent freedoms removed from us? Animals don't need an economy or a government, all that does is put us in cages... I can tell you've lived in one before." I was concerned by how right she was about that fact. 'Caged' was very often how I felt in my life; it felt like the world simply hadn't wanted me to be able to exist as I was in some way or another. All I wanted was the chance to live, rather than to merely survive.
"They call this anarchism on Earth. I consider myself an anarchist, too, actually."
"Anarchism. Mm. Some things are the same no matter where you are." Betiara slowed her pace and glanced around before regarding me with an expression of intent focus. "Madison, do you want to go back to Earth?" The uncertainty I normally felt when I considered this question felt dulled, somehow. Maybe it was the mutual interests that Betiara and I held, the snow, the trust shown in me by my friends or the very good boy that playfully trod around us as he frolicked in the snow, but I felt like I could look inward with less fear than before.
"I don't... know." Her eyes fell slightly, looking past me as if debating something in her head.
"While you slept the other day, Sekvi told me of a spell called Banishment. It's advanced, and they never mastered it, but they told me it could send you back if you wanted that." She shuffled her shoulders a little as she offered this to me. "We weren't sure if we should tell you or not."
"No, I, I understand why." There was a spell that could send me back to Earth. My anxiety over the idea grew into a dark, starry sea full of strings that threatened to overwhelm me if plucked. I had time before this Banishment spell would become a viable option. I had a choice in this matter that I didn't have before.
"I shouldn't have said anything. That was stupid," Betiara whispered in chastisement of herself. She shook her head and brought a palm to her face as a small, inhuman growl rose in her throat. "After what happened to you earlier; I'm sorry, Madison. Are you okay?"
"I... think I am," I said slowly, unable to meet her eyes yet. This silver lining had to be held onto for dear life. "It means that I could have a choice now. I haven't had that much in my life." Calm returned to Betiara as she looked at me in cautious curiosity. Clearly, this wasn't the reaction she had come to expect.
"That's what I was hoping for, when I decided to tell you. It felt right."
"I'm glad you did. I'm not unhappy that Sekvi didn't tell me. Today was necessary. I think I needed to really find a reason to get a hold of myself before I heard about this spell." I took a breath, shrugging as I looked up at Betiara. There was something about the way her strong features currently slumped forward in concern that reminded me of a canid face. She was a very expressive person when she wasn't fully assured of herself. "So what are you going to do? About the potential, um, suspicions?" This expression lingered as we maintained eye contact. I got a strange feeling that something was about to happen.
"Keep my nose out and hope Sekvi writes a damn good letter." Defeat and hope mixed oddly in her tone. It rang strangely in me, and it must have done the same in her, because we began to laugh. We tapered ourselves off as quickly as we could out of respect to those likely sleeping nearby. It was enjoyable, all the same. I felt something wet brush against my hand as Rags nudged me and began to walk toward the exposed edge of the Tagat River. In the midst of our discussion, we hadn't realized that we had reached the docks. We saw a familiar blue cloak reflecting light from a lamp post along the railing. The owner of said cloak was offering an envelope to a warmly-dressed worker on the boat I had seen earlier. They must have just finished loading up, given the lack of cargo on the adjacent dock. Sekvi and the stranger exchanged words, and the stranger disappeared while Sekvi waited. Betiara, Rags and I approached our friend just in time to see the sailor pass them something before hurrying into the boat's cabin.
"Ahh... wonderful, wonderful." Sekvi whirled around and flinched as they saw two silhouetted, large women approaching them with a massive dog at their side. "Ah! Madison, Betiara! I've just ensured passage of our message to Nereved; a stunning suggestion, by the way."
"That's awesome. Thank you, Sekvi."
"What's that?" Betiara asked, her nose joining Rags' as they scented the air together. I decided to follow suit and found that I could smell hot air nearby.
"This is a cinder block," Sekvi announced with their usual gusto as they began to lead us back to the house. "It will produce warmth enough for us all to survive our frigid nights in comfort, and for Madison while we're in transit. I noticed the deck hands placing them around the deck of their vessel, and an inquiry revealed that they are handy for keeping ice from forming in cold weather! After your difficulty earlier, Madison, I arranged an exchange of a song and good tidings to secure one for our use." They took my hand in theirs and plopped the small, rectangular stone block in my hand. It was small enough to easily fit in my cloak. The heat it gave off felt utterly miraculous in the snow. Sekvi had discerned the source of my stress, which was likely a source of stress for everyone else as well, and took the initiative in providing me a way to ease myself. I used the hand they held mine with to stop them and wrap them in a toasty warm hug.
"Thank you, Sekvi. Thank you. Thank you so much."
"Ahah, think nothing of it. I believe relying on a flame was fraying on everyone's nerves, whether they realized it or not. I couldn't wait to leave the house this morning," they admitted as they returned the hug. "Your trepidation is wise, but we all genuinely care for you. As long as you can trust that fact, I believe many of our problems can be solved."
"Speaking of which," Betiara interceded, "I told her about Banishment."
"You wh-...!" Sekvi flew apart from the hug, but kept their hands firmly clasped over my shoulders as if to provide me assurance. They looked me over and found me to be calm and welcoming of the gesture. "-ere right to do so! Your sense of ethics is impeccable, my luminously lunar friend. And how was that news received?" I had to give them credit for that save. Betiara rolled her eyes.
"I have time before I need to look at it seriously," I said quietly, placing my free hand atop one of theirs. The cinder block felt warm between our respective touches. "I'm okay. I'm not running from it, I'm... it's better for me to anchor myself in the moment, I think, as much as I can. My head gets weird when I don't." An encouraging smile lit Sekvi's face as they considered my opinion of the news.
"Another fantastic idea from our dear dragonborn. Now, as pleasant as it is to stand here as my tusks freeze, shall we make for our abode?" The four of us resumed our trip away from the central square and toward the other end of the city, footwear crunching with each step. I could feel how cold my feet had gotten only with the presence of the gift Sekvi had given me. Travel boots were going to be my next big purchase, for sure.
"I need a favor, Sekvi," Betiara quietly petitioned. "I'm at risk of discovery. Could you... muddy the waters when you get a chance?"
"I would be happy to; the example you set is far too important to be met with small-minded scorn. Consider the waters muddied."
"You're the best."
"I most certainly am!" Conversation was light as we returned to our temporary home in Letvel. We would be there for the week until and unless something changed, but we all felt much better about doing so thanks to communication and trust. The entirety of the household was relieved to let the fire smolder into ash in favor of the cinder block Sekvi had secured. It had been a long day for everyone, and we were only too eager to settle in for the night. We brought our beds to a more central location in the room so the benefits of warmth could easily be shared by all, with some fine-tuning coming after as we overestimated the need for blanketing material. Today marked two weeks since my arrival in this world. I looked out over the grayscale darkness provided by my reptilian eyesight to survey those sleeping within. I felt safe here. I felt wanted. My memories of Lancaster stung at my consciousness while I slowly drifted off, but the care my friends had shown me chased their twisting daggers far from me. With the promise of rest free from the terrifying popping sounds of burning wood and the ominous light that accompanied it, I quickly sank into the still embrace of sleep. Its only soundtrack was gentle snoring and the faint sound of snow falling over Letvel.