Dawn's rose gold light was slower to crest this reach of the West Karth Mountains than it had been further North. Today was our last day in Letvel for the foreseeable future; our boat left tonight toward Nereved. I opened my eyes to see only Lilika and Rags missing from the house. A series of stifled coughs rose from my throat as I rose from my cot to gather my mental bearings. It felt cold in the house despite the cinder block bathing the living room in its warmth. I slipped my cloak over my head on my way to the counter to find breakfast. Betiara, who had been observing her usual morning ritual, joined me as she heard me stirring. We quietly greeted each other good morning, and she whispered a translation of the note Lilika had left upon the mantle. "Getting more food, back in the afternoon. Have a good day, everyone. Look after Madison for me while we're out." A little doodle featuring the smiling faces of Lilika and Rags felt heartwarming and precious to me. "How did it go with her last night?"
"It went well." I was doing my best to follow Lilika's advice, Betiara's example, Sekvi's lesson, and pay Keff's kindness forward. This modus operandi was the best way forward that I felt I had. I sighed and cleared my throat as I felt mucus rattle with the passage of air. "Thanks for asking."
"That's great. I like Lilika; she was right about how important it is to connect to each other."
"She was. I've been feeling it ever since." The almost sickly sweet flavor of the torberries had left for us was a heartening boon this early in the morning. I was going to miss these once we'd left this area of Nereva for the southern steppe. Visions of an expansive, arid environment featuring dry meadows and scrublands momentarily filled my imagination, as did the idea of a very large city with tall stone buildings and an enormous wall. Could berries grow in an environment like that? What news or business awaited us there? The way others had spoken of Nereved had suggested that it was far from here, and I wondered how long it would take for a river boat to arrive at its distant destination. I felt that the capital would be a notable event in all our lives regardless of what we found there. It was my hope that we would find more good than bad in such a place. "How long do you think it'll take to get to Nereved?"
"I don't know, but the sailors will. I'm worried it'll take longer than usual with lower water levels." Unease swirled in me when I considered the full effects of the Karthos River's demise. I shook my head to rid myself of the painful visions that intruded into my mind.
"I mean, it's been about a week. Word's probably coming up river of the conditions, right?"
"Right. They'll have that information, too." Betiara shrugged as she ate a berry of her own. "In the worst case, the boat breaches and we walk, but we'll get there." If she was confident in our safety and our options, then I could feel confident, too. Sekvi and Keff began to stir as we spoke further. With morning greetings shared and a quick breakfast eaten, we spoke of our plans for the day. We decided that our visit to the bathhouse would only commence once Lilika was present; this would guarantee that she didn't miss her opportunity to clean up. We each had some errands to run: Keff sought to spend more time at the library to expand his historical notes, Betiara wished to speak to her grandfather, and we knew that Lilika was going to be purchasing and preparing food for us. I needed to buy ink, and I felt like spending some alone time today to maintain my emotional wellbeing before we were all packed into a river boat for a month or longer. Sekvi, meanwhile, had little to do after intentionally keeping their schedule open for the week. They had referred to this as, 'playing by ear,' which was a sentiment I had heard on Earth before. I found this fact amusing and invited them to come along with me, but they felt it more prudent to practice their musical craft as much as possible in these early stages. I was relieved in spite of my enjoyment of their company. With these endeavors enumerated, we set out to tie a bow on our time in Letvel.
Keff and I made for the temple of Lunata together. He was quiet today; I got the strong impression that there was something on his mind. "How are you feeling?"
"Eh," he grunted. "Wish I had more time to do research, is all. Nereved has records from all over the country, but Letvel's where we'll find the recent history since Karthos Bend is ash now." Keff spoke of the tragic event with the same direct tone he always used. Was this an indication of his emotional recovery from the event?
"I'm sorry," I offered, feeling as if I was part of the reason we had decided to move on earlier than we'd initially planned.
"It's fine. It's not like we can't come back. ...most likely." This inspired a stark dread in me. We had seen something horrible: the destruction of an entire town. Tragedies like those didn't happen every day, but what if there were some unforeseen domino effect that would see Letvel crumble, too? The earthquake could have unsettled the West Karthos mountains even this far South. I suddenly felt that any settlement we encountered would be subject to such a fate should the wind blow the wrong way. It was too early to feel this much doom, which was often reserved for the early hours of the morning.
"Are you okay with this timeline of things?"
"It's for the best. We're some of the only people that can give the capital an account." His keen brown eyes flicked up to me. "Are you?"
"It's hard for me to feel truly safe in any settlement anymore. There's always a little background stress now."
"Yeah." Keff sighed in commiseration with my experience. "Feels like it could happen anywhere. Nobody saw that earthquake coming, then some monster wrecks the wall. I drew some plans up for the repairs, but that's all I could really do without my smithy." Helplessness had been felt by us both. It was something I'd suspected was true of everyone, but seeing it manifest firsthand was another matter altogether.
"I'm sure they're grateful. The wall helps keep everyone here safe, and they have you to thank for that now."
"We did make short work of that thing, didn't we?"
"Yeah. I feel guilty about having to kill it, though. I didn't even want to get involved."
"Life has a way of not caring who's involved with what. The burrowelter wasn't going to stop; that means you helped secure the town, too. Why not feel good about that?" The obvious answer was that the matter was more complex than that. The less obvious answer is that I never thought terribly highly of myself, and giving myself credit that I had honestly earned felt undue at best.
"I don't want to get a swollen head, I guess," I offered in a weak contest to his point.
"Madison," Keff began, halting off the side of the road for a moment. "Remember what Lilika's been saying? Roots, trust and all that?"
"It's been relevant to me lately."
"Then keep paying attention. I need you to trust me when I tell you that you did good and it's okay to feel that." The disasters hadn't changed Keff's care for me. This fact inspired me to take a moment to consider a different way of looking at the efforts we had made in our recent battle. Out of an entire city, we were the only civilians that volunteered ourselves to come to ready defense of Letvel. As reluctant as I had been to join the battle or inflict harm, the attacks I had made against the creature were of aid to a worthwhile cause. The creature could have killed or displaced so many people if we hadn't intervened. I realized that I had taken the opportunity to make a choice in the matter. I hadn't let myself remain helpless while the creature threatened myself and so many others. This was huge to me; feeling helpless and vulnerable were terrifying to me, and I had physically opposed those feelings for the sake of others. With all this in mind, I nodded my head as my eyes rose to meet Keff's again.
"You're right. I wasn't helpless... I made that choice, and that helped the city stay safe during the attack." This news brought a smile to my friend's bearded face. He clapped me on the arm and resumed his pace forward with a renewed vigor.
"That's the Madison I know." I had been terrified that that Madison had died along with the rest of Karthos Bend. Knowing that I was still me in spite of accruing traumas and a change of my shape was comforting. It felt strange to realize that I had grown used to the way my new nose slightly obscured my vision. I also noticed that my tail no longer dragged the ground, forgotten and unaccounted for as I stood, walked or sat down. The very second I had that thought reminded me of memes that would trick you into breathing manually. I was now holding my tail manually as it lightly swayed to stay centered behind me with each step. Life had changed so much for me. This world was arguably less advanced than the one I had come from, but I felt that I was finally able to advance myself because of the connections I was making here. My only uncertainty in that regard was where this self-advancement was headed. The goal I'd had in Karthos Bend had been pulled out from under me and left nothing but uncertainty in its wake. I was once again without direction.
"Hello again Nioto," I said in Draconic as Keff went about his research in the library.
"Madison, good morning. How are you?" Whatever anxiety was plaguing the dragonborn yesterday was absent today. He looked happy to see me as he clasped his hands and leaned forward over his desk.
"I'm alright, thank you. How are you?"
"I'm doing well, thank you. What brings you to the library today?"
"Well, I need some more ink, two bottles, if you're alright with that. I'd be happy to talk with you again, too." I casually leaned against my staff with both hands as Nioto's gaze brightened further. He gestured to a nearby chair and reached under his desk to procure some ink for me. The enormity of handing him another 100 gold coins for this ink was not lost on me in the slightest. I hated that the money had been earned by getting suckered into brokering a crooked business deal, but it was nice to be rid of it by that same token. The money would be better used in Nioto's hands than in Ettistor's. "Thank you. So... being from somewhere so remote, and not having many chances to speak to others like me... I'm wondering what it means to be dragonborn in the greater context of the world." I was careful to present this question in a way that would discourage any inklings of having once been something other than dragonborn. Uncertainty over what I was, and whether that had truly changed below skin depth still lingered heavily in my mind. If I couldn't solve that problem in this conversation, I could at least get some insight into how others saw me. I took a comfortable seat and preemptively brought my tail into my lap.
"That's a very good question." Nioto steepled his hands and tapped his fingertips together as he looked past me. The age that showed on his face and hands made me wonder if I would look similar to him by the time I was his age. Would I live that long? Would I be a dragonborn that long? What if this form was temporary, and I reverted back to a human at some point or found myself back on Earth? I enjoyed how pretty I was now. I enjoyed my horns, my scales, and my tail. Was it right to feel this way, or was this an unearned theft of an experience I shouldn't have? My hands started to wring over my tail before I realized it was happening. "Most dragons find solace in other dragons of their kind. Being that they're even more environmentally attuned than you and I are by the same process, dragons of similar colorations are the most likely partners. On occasion, though, they will find lovers elsewhere. Culturally, we're a reminder of those special relationships and the way love or politics can overcome many barriers between intelligent beings. Given your beak, a dragon in your ancestral line could have found love with an aarakocra."
"That's a really nice way to look at it." Although I knew it wasn't the case for me, I imagined a dragon and an aarakocra flying through the sky together. I took a breath and hoped that I would get to experience that feeling for myself one day. Nioto's eyes widened slightly as I welcomed the feeling of hopeful flight to wash over me. "What is it?" The elder dragonborn hesitated a moment, his silver-blue eyes staring intently into mine.
"I'm not sure. I felt a strange feeling come over me. You... have quite a presence to you, Madison." Nioto recovered himself as he considered what he had felt. I had no idea what to make of his evaluation. "You're positively brimming with magic."
"Sekvi told me the same thing. I mean, wizardry comes naturally to me; maybe it's something to do with that?"
"It could be. Hmm."
"I hope I have a good presence," I worried aloud as I wrung my tail with both hands.
"Well, I certainly find your company pleasant. Anyway, do you have further questions?" What could it mean that I was apparently giving off a detectable air of magic? A doubtful part of me sardonically observed that I carried a book of spells on my hip and a staff in my left hand wherever I went, so it was only natural that I would inspire a magical vibe. I knew that this wasn't what Sekvi or Nioto were referring to, however, and simply wished to have some insight into what the truth was.
"Have you ever met a dragon?" Nioto didn't move a muscle apart from blinking his eyes.
"I don't believe I have."
"Is that... within the realm of possibility? I don't know much about them, but I think, if one was amenable to meeting, that I'd like to meet one." He blinked again, then resumed his typical, calm state of welcome conversation. I imagined that he likely felt my apparently magical presence again.
"It's possible, but then again, many unlikely things are. Dragons' territories often involve vast stretches of wilderness, so even with their size, they can be difficult to locate. Many are also less than social, but that's far from a rule. My advice would be to consider yourself carefully and don't present yourself as a threat if you were to meet one." This was likely wise advice. A dragon could probably swat me like a fly if they didn't appreciate my presence. I remembered what Sekvi said about dragons taking the shape of humanoids to experience a more social life, and wondered why that would be necessary. Were the majority of people as unwelcoming of dragons as they were to werewolves? I would want a well-meaning conversation partner to feel as comfortable as they could when I was speaking with them, and getting to look at an entire dragon would be an amazing experience. If only I had time to spend in this library to read about dragons with the aid of Comprehend Languages... Lilika's rightness proved itself once again.
"That's very good advice. Thank you."
"Of course. We actually have some books about dr-... I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. I have a spell that helps but it's temporary and takes a little while to cast. I don't want to be ominously chanting over spell components while people are trying to read nearby," I laughed. "The translation guide you gave me will help, though. We'll be sailing to the capital tonight so I'll have plenty of time to study it before I get to the library there."
"I imagine someone has to spread word of what happened to Karthos Bend. I wish you a safe journey, Madison. If you'd like to keep in touch, I can show you how to write my name in Draconic so we can write to each other." That was a great idea. Nioto had been very kind and enormously helpful to me during my stay in Letvel, and this was a connection I didn't want to fade to distance.
"Please, yes, I'd like that." I watched as Nioto wrote his name on a piece of paper alongside the exact name of this temple. It read, "Nioto, Librarian of Letvel Temple of Lunata," with a translated version in Common below that I could imitate. It was still shocking to be able to read Draconic script without ever having learned it. I wondered if I would be able to write it in the same instinctual way that I could speak it. This warranted an experiment. "Thank you so much. I'll write to you and include instructions on how to reach me in the capital if we end up staying there for a while. It's all up in the air right now."
"I look forward to hearing from you again." It felt nice to have made a connection all on my own. I enclosed Nioto's contact information within my spell tome as our conversation came to a close. With my only errand for the day complete, I decided to catch up with Keff to see if I had time to transcribe Misty Step before we left.
"How's your research coming along?"
"Slow." Keff had established a new page of notes during the time I was speaking with Nioto. "We probably have time for you to do your thing."
"Okay. Um... is it okay if I sit next to you?"
"Sure." I began to work on translating the gifted scroll into my own system of component descriptions and shorthand. The scroll was mercifully written in Draconic. Keff and I worked side by side for the first time since we had left Karthos Bend, but it felt different. We were working on different projects entirely. There were no sounds of metal ringing against metal, there was no heat and soot from a furnace dirtying us, and we weren't going to be paid for this work. It felt like an evolution of such a task. Misty Step was an interesting spell. I estimated an expedient casting time based on what I was gleaning from my translation. It would allow me to quickly teleport myself to an open space that I could see within a short distance, which could be useful in all kinds of dangerous situations. I imagined teleporting myself away from an incoming attack, or looking through a window so that I could bypass a locked door. Vaun had given me a gift that would be seen to its exact purpose, and then some. I was certain that I could put it to good use.
"It feels nice to work next to each other again," I ventured, wondering how Keff felt about this arrangement.
"I was thinking the same thing." The movement of his beard suggested that he was smiling. "We've come a long way, haven't we?"
"We have. I'm a lot better at magic than I am at making hammers."
"Definitely." We shared a quiet chuckle in the near-silence of the library. It was pleasantly quiet in here, which was something I always appreciated in a space. "None of this would be possible without you. I hope you know that."
"It was a team effort," he gently countered, "but I get it. I'm glad I went with my gut that day."
"Me too. I don't know what I would have done without you, Keff." I might have been begging in town, in a language no one could understand, when the earthquake started.
"Someone would have brought you to Betiara eventually. From there she might have asked for Sekvi's help, and then they'd ask me if I needed help with my workload." He stopped writing for a moment and gave me a look of amusement. "It might have played out the same way. Getting lost in what-ifs doesn't get you anywhere. I'm just glad we were all out of town." There was no denying that his point was salient. I could easily see that exact sequence of events happening as described. No argument was offered, and I lightly punched his arm instead. That was a language I felt he would understand, and I was right, given the way he laughed without concern for his volume.
"You hit like a girl," he joked as he returned to his work. I was glad that the hormones I'd taken for four years had done their job properly. A harrowing thought came to mind immediately afterward: over the course of our upcoming journey, enough time would pass for me to notice any masculizing effects due to not maintaining my hormone replacement therapy. I would either arrive in Nereved very happy, or very unhappy. Given the technological level of this world that I'd seen, I would likely fall apart emotionally if the only security I'd ever found in my Earthen life crumbled around me and turned this beautiful new body into another prison. This thought sat darkly over my head until I managed to resume my focus on Misty Step. My first venture into Conjuration was terribly puzzling at this more advanced level, but after two hours of work, I had a completed transcription of the spell within constant reach. Testing it would either mean waiting until tomorrow to memorize it adequately, or using the scroll on a mere whim. I decided to wait and give the scroll a more adequate purpose in line with Vaun's wishes. This all left me uncertain of what to do next.
"Is it okay to ask what you've found? I don't want to disrupt you, I'm just curious about what you've been working on." I quietly closed my Spell Tome and slipped it back into its holster. It felt so cool to do that with a book instead of a gun. Keff nodded his head and pointed to a section of text I didn't understand.
"Records of mom's parents. Birth and death dates, obituaries, some achievements. It's a lot of that kind of stuff. I never met them." He shrugged and looked away for a moment. "When I saw the whole town ruined like that... what if I'd still been there, or run out of supplies a day later? Your lumpy hammers might have saved my life."
"There's more where that came from."
"Uhuh. Anyway, it got me thinking about what the people that came before me went through, what their stories were, so I'm collecting as much as I can so I can gain some insight into that." This was Keff's method of coping with what happened to him. He was looking to the past as a way to look forward. "It sounds silly to explain it, but it makes sense to me."
"No, I think it makes a lot of sense. I mean, you were taught your trade by someone that came before you... it only makes sense that you'd explore something similar in a time of distress." We locked eyes with each other for a moment of emotional connection.
"That's interesting. ...hadn't thought of it that way. Huh. How do you put things like this together?"
"Pattern recognition. People are beings of habit, you know?" I knew that he would recognize the same to be true of me. I was a person, I was imperfect in spite of my efforts to improve myself as much as possible. It was an eternal journey I had embarked upon with purpose, similar to the journey I was going to embark upon tonight. As I examined that parallel, I began to wonder why I had made that choice. The simple answer was that I was doing it because the others thought it was a good idea; someone had to spread word of what happened and provide as much detail as possible to the adminstrative center of the country. Beyond that, however, why was I doing this? What was the reason for any of this? Why was I here in the Cradle to begin with?
"I suppose we are, to an extent. Habits can always change," Keff quietly asserted among the silence of the library. As usual, he was correct. "Anyway, I guess I'm looking for life lessons I can learn from my ancestors. It feels like something significant that could help me figure out where to go now, and that makes me wonder if I should finally settle down and have a kid."
"Is that something you want to do?"
"Eventually. Haven't met the right person yet."
"You will, Keff. You're a great person, and you're very skilled; that's catch material."
"Hah! We'll see!" A hearty chuckle shattered the calm of the library. It drew my body in on itself as I flinched, but no shushing came from Nioto. That was another feather in the dragonborn's metaphorical cap, in my opinion. "Anyway, I don't have much here yet that's interesting. I'm sure you have more to do today than listen to dusty old stories from a dusty old dwarf."
"But I enjoy your company. I always have."
"I enjoy yours, too."
"But I think I could use a walk... I'm weighed with questions." Keff gave me an understanding look as he resumed his transcription of various facets of his ancestry. I genuinely wanted to know more, but there would be time for that while I learned to read Common.
"Alright. I'll meet up with everyone at the house in a little while. Be safe out there."
"Absolutely. See you soon." Why was I here? Where was I going? What did I want? Was I human, or was I dragonborn? I was weighed with questions, indeed. One of my questions could be best informed by Betiara, who had likely asked herself the same question at one time. Becoming a werewolf was likely a trial for anyone, whether they would come to accept it or not. Leaving the dim light of the temple nearly blinded me as I stepped outside. My hand flew to my eyes' aid in haste, but the damage was done; I had developed a headache from this sudden exposure. I made a mental note to cover my eyes before I left a darkened space for daylight next time. A quick walk down the street found me at the doorway to city hall. I reached for the handle of the front door only to find it quickly opening toward me! I started in surprise as the door contacted me and revealed a tall figure standing on the other side, a person I did not imagine myself to have any business with: Belot.
"Oh, sorry."
"It's fine," I responded as I calmed myself. The captain of the guard was given way to exit. I did not want any trouble with him.
"Madison, was it?" His tone always sounded so disapproving.
"That's me."
"Look..." he began, looking upon me with his own brand of concern. I didn't like where this was going, especially since he was exiting Betiara's last known location. "Be careful around Betiara, alright? There are things you don't know about her. Dangerous things." What was this guy's problem? As badly as I wanted to move on without invoking any further interest in myself, as easily as he could likely throw me in a jail cell, I really did not enjoy this unwelcome advice.
"Why are you so concerned with her?"
"Do you have the first idea of what she's done?"
"I don't, but she's clearly doing better now." I watched Belot's face tense. He took a step closer to me. "Dude, personal space," I insisted as I held my forearm across myself to keep him from getting any closer. The boundary was respected despite my expectations.
"Some things can't be undone, Madison. Some scars don't heal. She ruined my parents with her criminal shit until they couldn't afford medical treatment anymore." The sounds of the city bustling all around us fell mute as I braced myself for what I would discover within my emotions. I trusted Betiara, and I had seen firsthand the good she was responsible for. Still... I had learned from my magical studies to look at problems from different angles. At worst, I could hear Belot out and change my mind about Betiara for good reason. I turned my head and narrowed my eyes at him to show my reasonable skepticism.
"...how?"
"Centers of trade and crime come hand in hand. Whether or not she's changed -- though I doubt it -- she was just as crooked as her grandfather." A troubled look came over Belot as he gazed at the dry river behind me. "My parents were merchants. They paid for my religious pilgrimage to Klester's Hold with the little money they had left after Betiara extorted them. I returned to find them dead by another's hand." This was a horrible event, to be sure... if it had happened. I was still skeptical. Betiara couldn't be capable of doing such a thing herself, could she?
"That's... fucked up. I'm sorry that happened."
"The past is the past. It echoes, regardless. Whether it was her that killed them for their debt or not, she's culpable. She can change how she looks, but I doubt she's the paragon people say she is."
"Why wasn't she prosecuted for it?"
"Ettistor." His intense gaze showed through the bars on his helmet as he focused himself on me once more. "Don't say I didn't warn you." Belot turned and departed without saying anything further. The air seemed to chill around me as I considered what I had been told. While believable, the situation could easily have been misrepresented by a biased party. I now had two questions to ask Betiara. The door to city hall remained open, so I took the opportunity to step inside and close it behind me. I was welcomed upstairs by the guard after being recognized from my previous work for the mayor. The upper floor of the building was more intimidating than it had been yesterday, now that I was walking through the building alone. The voices of both Sekvi and Betiara could be heard behind a nearby door. Rather than eavesdrop, I propped myself up against the opposing wall and cast Comprehend Languages to get some reading done while I waited for my friends' meeting to conclude. The translation guide Nioto had given me held my attention for some time. It was all legible, but applying verbal sounds to Common lettering was currently beyond me. I was amused by my spell's mechanics; it provided me magical understanding of the words I read, yet trying to speak them aloud or within my mind amounted only to guesses at best. There was much nuance in translation that I hadn't been aware of.
The sound of approaching footsteps from behind the nearby door led me to put my book away and ready myself for conversation. Sure enough, Sekvi and Betiara emerged from Ettistor's office. "Hey."
"Hello to you, too, Madison! We were finalizing our arrangements for tonight." Sekvi had purchased a strap for their symphonia that now allowed it to hang across their back; that would certainly be more convenient than lugging it around had been. They were wearing new clothes, as well: a dashingly blue, collared coat, dark travel pants, and a yellow gambeson cuirass that lay between the coat and a white collared shirt with a matching blue puff tie. Frilled white cuffs flowed out from their coat sleeves to complete the look. Their affect struck me as princely, for lack of a better word. It all looked very nice on them. "I felt it was time to try something new, and thus, behold!"
"It's nice! You look handsome," I offered.
"Thank you very much. Fret not, Madison, we will acquire more fashionable garb for you in the capital." I wouldn't mind wearing something other than the same dress every day, but I liked this dress. It was a nice compliment to my coloration. Still, Sekvi had a more fashionable eye than I did.
"Hey, Madison," Betiara said with a smile. This feature, as well as her eyes, couldn't possibly hold the heart of someone cold-hearted. "Is Keff still busy?"
"Yeah, he said he'd meet us at the house in a little bit."
"Fortuitous. I suppose we should gather there and wait for he, Lilika and Rags to return before we entertain the bathhouse." Sekvi turned and began a happy pace toward the stairwell.
"I need to talk to Betiara first, if that's okay." They paused and looked over their shoulder at us both.
"Of course. Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, I just have some questions." This answer was mercifully accepted. Sekvi resumed their course, leaving Betiara and I alone together.
"We can talk in here," she indicated by opening a door across the hall from her grandfather's office. An empty conference room would do if Betiara judged it fitting. We entered and found adjacent seats at the table. "What's going on?" I looked into her wild, yellow eyes as I considered how it would feel to follow up on Belot's tale. She looked at me with such kindness that she withered my resolve, and I decided to venture my other concern instead.
"I... don't really know what I am. Obviously, I look this way now, but, you know. I used to be something else, and I don't know what I am now." A lump formed in my throat as I spoke. My body began to tremble. I hadn't realized that this had sat so heavily within me, but I supposed I had set myself up for this through my pattern of avoidance. "Am I still the person I was before?" Betiara gently took my hand and held it in both of her paws. The soft textures of her fur and pads were relaxing to the touch; knowing that feeling came from her only made me safer.
"Do you want to be?"
"I don't know. It's just, is there any real difference between a human and a dragonborn below skin and scales?"
"I don't know, Madison." Betiara's eyes fell, clearly disappointed that she didn't have a clear answer to my existential lament. "I know why you asked me. Lycanthropy... it doesn't leave your original self intact. It replaces you, in a way. The half-elf I was before and the one you've seen are different experiences entirely. You have all these new instincts that you didn't have before. Is that something you experience?"
"I can read and speak Draconic now. That's all I've noticed. Maybe there are others that haven't connected yet...? It took me two weeks to find Nioto and learn this one thing." I wondered what kind of instincts a dragonborn would have. My senses, aside from my sight, seemed to work at the same level, and I hadn't experienced any unusual urges that I had been able to identify. "But it's clearly not the same thing. I guess, like, how did you feel when you saw yourself like this for the first time?" Betiara blinked and looked herself over as if recalling the moment.
"I felt scared."
"Yeah..."
"But then I felt powerful. Aware. Calm, perceptive, more... inquisitive." Those were all feelings I hadn't experienced. This felt like an unfortunate dead end of her ability to encapsulate my experience. No fault fell to either of us in the matter. "I'd catch myself panting sometimes. I suddenly had a very strong pack drive, and I felt more ready to lead and cooperate. In the back of my head, no matter what I looked like, I could feel my new instincts informing me of things I wouldn't have noticed before."
"Do you still feel that way?" Betiara, like the rest of us, had lost everything with Karthos Bend's demise. Her ears pulled back at the question, but lifted once more when she met my eyes again.
"Yes. I have a new pack now, and we, maybe, could be..." Hesitation gripped her, but I could see what she meant in her eyes: she felt more for me than casual partnership. A jolt of electricity ran through me as I imagined kissing her again.
"Maybe. Thank you for helping me figure this out, but there's something else I need to talk to you about." I proceeded to explain my meeting with Belot and what he had said. A new side of my friend, maybe more than a friend, showed through. Her head slowly dropped with pinned ears. She deflated, far from the proud and confident individual I knew her to be.
"It's true."
"Who... killed his parents?"
"Accomplices," Betiara quietly plead. She shook her head as she spoke over a lump that was forming in her throat as one had in mine. "I just shook them down. Killing wasn't our way, so after my partners broke that rule, I left the group and fled North. Evidence at the scene exonerated me, but I'm responsible for it, too." If there was one thing Betiara was not, it was an actress. This gallant warrior of peace, this investigator, a champion of leftist justice that had improved the lives of thousands... she had not always been that person. These must be one of the ills she'd seen in Letvel that broke her from her faith. Given what she had accomplished afterward, I imagined that this was likely the event that galvanized her conviction. She was guilty, haunted by the deeds for which she had shared culpability. The trust required not only to share this with me, but to be truthful about something so awful, weighed me with significance. Nothing would ever bring Belot's parents back, but at least one of the people responsible for their death had a conscience that drove her to make sweeping, positive changes to ensure the same didn't happen to others. That was worth something in my eyes.
"Is that why you made the changes you did?"
"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. It hit me all at once, how others can be affected so deeply by something people accept as a fact of life." Betiara wiped her eyes and sighed. "I need to say something to him. He's always been a prick, but he didn't deserve that and neither did his parents... I'll meet you at the house." The stark silence that settled in the wake of her departure felt as if it was pressurizing me. I wanted to stop her or urge her to be safe, but she wouldn't have listened to me. She could take care of herself. A sense of fatigue came over me as I left city hall and made for the house. The sun blaring above me felt as if it was pointed specifically at me, highlighting all of my uncertainties and insecurities. I was put on display, lonely on the stage set by Letvel. Everyone could see my wilted figure for what it truly was: empty and lost. Notions of who I was or what I was were as much air as the unoccupied space around me. To top it all off, my headache was getting worse under the strain of emotional difficulty. My cot was a blessing that allowed me to immerse myself in coming sleep.
I slept through Lilika and Rags' arrival, but awoke when Betiara joined us around an hour afterward. She looked shaken and uneasy as she knelt beside me. "Mmh, hey," I said, my voice thick with sleep. I felt like utter hell. My head pulsed with every heartbeat, and the low light of the house felt blinding to me. "How'd it go? Are you okay?"
"He yelled at me, a lot, but accepted my apology." I believed her; she wouldn't be shaking otherwise. In spite of her current state, she looked over me with concern and began to sniff at me. Why was she doing that? "Are you feeling alright?"
"No, I feel like shit," I groaned. Sitting up sent all the pressure in me to my skull, which convinced me to lay back down in short order. "My eyes and my head, and my throat."
"Lilika?" The druid was already on her way over to us. She knelt down next to Betiara and held her arm over the lower half of her face. This told me that whatever ailment I had was likely contagious. My brow furrowed with worry. It had finally happened. It was only a matter of time before I got sick in this new world; my immune system had no prior experiences with the illnesses that plagued an entirely foreign environment.
"What's it feel like, sweetie?"
"My throat's dry and raw. There's pressure in my head... everything's so bright." I had to close my eyes again. The light was too much to bear. I began to fear that I was going to die, but feeling Lilika's hand touching my forehead eased me. Her hand was so warm that I couldn't help but sigh in relief. Some of the pressure in my head dissipated.
"She's cold-blooded," Betiara whispered to Lilika. "Do you think she got too cold?"
"It looks like red throat. Cold may have let it get through her immune system."
"Oh no, we were kissing." Was making out with Betiara going to be what did me in? I had come all this way, only to die from illness like so many others had in ages past.
"Am I going to die?"
"No, Madison, of course not. I can fix this in no time." Lilika quickly fetched her staff and pressed its emerald to my chest. I hoped whatever spell she was casting would work. I trusted it to work. A feeling of warmth began to sink into my chest with the emerald as its epicenter, and radiated out from there. My entire body felt as if it was submerged in warm, healing water. The pressure in my head dissipated alongside the dryness in my throat. Within seconds, I was feeling entirely relieved of the illness that had ailed my body. "There. Do you feel better now?"
"So much better," I confirmed as I opened my eyes again. The blaring light that shone through the windows had resumed its normal luminosity. "That's amazing. Thank you, Lilika."
"We're always looking out for you." Lilika gave my arm a gentle squeeze of reassurance. "I'll make sure I prepare some healing spells just in case you start getting sick again. Being from another planet means you don't have any immunity."
"Yeah. I was really worried about that. Is red throat serious?" I sat up and stretched, feeling refreshed and happy to be well again. Betiara beamed at me in relief.
"I don't think it's dangerous," she explained, "but it's unpleasant. Spring and autumn bring it out as the weather changes. Thank you for helping her, Lilika."
"Oh, it's no problem at all. We'll have to be careful, though." The druid-turned-mother figure's tone became more serious, and her near permanent smile faded as she warned us both. "Even little illnesses can cause all kinds of trouble for someone like Madison. My magic can handle diseases, but we need to make sure I'm not away from the group for too long if we expect excitement." It was a haunting, salient point. Though healing was often outside of a wizard's purview, I wondered if there was a way that I could bridge that gap in talent in the future. This experience left me feeling vulnerable. What if I caught an illness that Lilika couldn't handle so easily? What if something worse than illness happened to one or more of us? For all the magic I was gaining access to, I could easily be brought low by mere circumstance. It was a terrifying thought that was eased by the embrace my healer offered me. She could tell I was in distress just by looking at me. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to settle against her as I returned the embrace.
"You're a lifesaver."
"I hope so. You just have some acclimating to do to this world, that's all, sweetie. We won't let anything bad happen to you." I believed that, as long as those hypothetical bad things were things the group could prevent. Natural disasters and unexpected monster attacks weren't something we could account for. The three of us sat and talked together to ease the tension of the moment. We came up with strategies for both in and out of life-threatening situations in review of our respective skill sets. The three of us could provide a surprising amount of support and exploration of unfamiliar environments, with Betiara excelling in more domestic settings and Lilika being able to handle everything else. Above all, we had one certainty: we were each focused on improving the scope of our abilities. Lilika theorized that experiencing different ecological biomes would give her further insight into the nature of this planet, and Betiara's time in the capital would provide her with opportunities to improve her methods of ingress and stealth. I wasn't sure what I would look into during my time in the capital, but I wondered if there was a way that I could inspire passive magical effects that I didn't have to cast or concentrate on.
The group came together once more with the arrivals of Keff and Sekvi, in that order. Sekvi had been asking around town in a bid to occupy their time until our voyage, and they had found that nearly all of the refugees from the earthquake had come to Letvel. Nearly 200 people were being temporarily housed within the city's theater. The conditions were physically adequate, of course, but hopes were not running high. We all enjoyed the idea of helping them out before we made our way to the capital, and doing so would only give us more information that we could pass forward. First, however, was a bath, as none of us had had an opportunity to clean ourselves in a week and some of us were starting to show it. We packed all of our effects and dropped our keys to the house off at city hall before we proceeded to our bath. The facilities here in Letvel were larger than the ones in Karthos Bend, as well as more centralized. It was terrifying to bathe with strangers, but my friends could easily handle anyone that gave Betiara or I trouble.
I slipped into the warm water of a smaller bath adjacent to the main area after Keff took care of our admission price. There wasn't any soap in this water yet, which was a boon to my scales. We all scrubbed down so that I could exit the water before harsher soaps would be used. The others assured me that the noticeable curiosity of strangers was due to our known status as survivors of Karthos Bend and defenders of the city, and not my status as a transgender person. Betiara also ventured that she alone would draw more attention than anyone, and that my beauty and Sekvi's handsomeness would likely cover the rest. The compliment met my embarrassment and caused me to blush. We all went about our respective washing while I attempted to acclimate to my first very public bath. It was a terrifying experience, but true to the word of the others, there were no issues raised aside from a few sour looks in Betiara's direction. One person actually approached us, standing fully nude, and thanked us all for our aid. Word had apparently gotten around of our reason for being here as well as some of the good we had done for Letvel in the short time we had been present. It was a nice feeling. Once we were all dressed again, I set about cleaning everyone's clothes with the ever handy Prestidigitation.
Rags greeted us with a hearty bark as we exited the bathhouse. We followed Sekvi's course to the theater and stepped into the main hall. Carved stone pillars lined the inner edge of the surrounded stage, framed by ornate woodwork that was set in to allow for various setting props to be attached to the stone. I had watched a documentary about theater during the Middle Ages, and the layout of this building reminded me very much of the buildings that had been described within. The refugees were lined up along the outside walls of the hall with the odd tent spanning between bedrolls and similar arrangements. Torches spaced along the backs of the pillars provided adequate warmth and light within this sheltered space. Sekvi took point in entering the stage, lit from above by a set of strategically positioned windows, and began playing a song. This impromptu show seemed to lift everyone's spirits, and afterward, they explained that we were here to help in any way that we could. Needs were stated and seen to as we were able.
Lilika tended to many minor injuries that had lingered in the wake of the earthquake. After she had exhausted her supplies, she hurried to the market to buy more, as well as some food to pass out. Keff contributed some money for food, as well, and with Betiara, entertained the children with feats of strength and agility. I took a break from restoring clothing to watch them for a few minutes. They were both great with kids, which helped me feel a bit more certain of my shaken view of my prospective partner. Perhaps we were moving too fast; I had been swept up a potential first romance, and Betiara was likely lonely. We didn't know enough about each other as full, complex people to establish a firm blueprint before we moved forward. I wondered if she was having the same thought as I returned to tending my fellow refugees' clothing. Sekvi was offering emotional counsel nearby. At one point, they began to cry, and I noticed in spite of their attempt to hide it. As determined as they were to handle their own grief, it was clear that there was a well of pain within them. The boat ride would do them some good.
We spent some hours helping out however we could. I even helped a teenager, who was an aspiring wizard, to learn Prestidigitation for himself. The student had become the teacher. Gratitude and inspiration lit his face with the same wonder that I had felt when I was beginning my own study. His first use of the spell was to produce a fart sound just behind him, and I contributed by creating a small ruffle of his tunic to enhance the comedy of the moment. Those nearby found it uproariously funny. The kid, Setsen, high-fived me and gave me a bracing hug. Transmutation was in the air; I had accomplished an instance of the goal I had within my magical study. His life had now changed, and it was for the better. He had access to magic now. He could do whatever he chose with it, and the first thing he had done was to entertain himself and others in a time of need. I took some time to recluse myself and cry after ducking away from everyone else. Pain, regret, fear, anger, longing, and more poured from me as I stifled my wails for the sakes of everyone else that had suffered this tragedy. I felt the ache in my chest again as my eyes were tightly closed and my hand offered my mouth the same protection None of our lives would ever be the same in the wake of a random act of nature. It all felt so much larger than we were.
We reconvened by the docks just before sunset. The boat was expected to arrive late, but the cinder block kept us all warm while we posted up on the boardwalk. Betiara, seeing how little I was speaking, draped her arm across my shoulders. I leaned into her and rested my face against her chest in spite of my reservations. Protection spoke in her embrace without words, with the way she set her head over mine, the strength of her arms and the warmth of her fur. Her ferocity and cunning felt wild while remaining tempered by a strong altruistic will formed by empathy and guilt in equal measure. Betiara was a complex person, and my feelings for her were equally so. "I don't want to rush things," I said quietly into her neck as I closed my eyes.
"I know. We won't." Even her voice, rounded and firm, was reassuring to me. We stayed in this embrace until my body demanded motion, and I sat up while her arm continued to warm my shoulders.
"Thank you."
"Of course."
"So, troupe, how do we fare on this fine night?" Sekvi's enthusiasm never failed to inspire me.
"Fine," Keff huffed as he watched the river's horizon to the West. "I hear the stonework in Nereved is top notch."
"I feel better after helping those people," Betiara expressed. "It was good to see a few familiar faces again before we left. I told the chef about the job posted in city hall, and the way he smiled at me... I feel like I'm leaving this place better than I found it."
"I daresay we have all done exactly that. Wonderful, wonderful. Lilika?"
"Oh, I'm okay, sweetie. It felt nice to give back." Rags bumped her elbow with his nose, prompting Lilika to resume petting him. Rags was a very good boy. "I'm worried about our wizard, though." This, alongside the affirming sentiments the others expressed in kind, demanded my presence outside of my head.
"I'm okay. I'm just thinking a lot."
"What's on your mind?" Lilika relocated herself to sit next to me, opposite Betiara. I felt only further comforted by their respective presences.
"We have ideas about how I'm here, but not why. I get that I probably have to find and assign that meaning myself, but in the meantime, it just sucks. I feel so... ungrounded outside of you all." The staff in my hand provided me with a concrete sense of solidity. It was the way I would move forward and connect ever more with myself and the world around me. My friends were the vehicle through which I established this connection. Still, I felt that I needed answers to contextualize what was likely my new life. "I'm just kind of caught up in all this. I've never been on a boat before."
"Well, Madison, you're at the stage in your life where life feels directionless and scary. It's felt that way for us, and with recent events, we're all feeling that way again." A quiet chorus of affirmation cements Lilika's point. Her blue eyes sparkled with understanding. "Sometimes things happen without any overarching reason. We can look at the earthquake and blame plate tectonics, but what good does that do? They're rocks being moved by heat, they don't understand things the way we do. What I'm saying isn't that your experiences and the answers to them don't matter, it's that the answer probably won't change anything in the big picture." This wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted Lilika to have answers, I wanted someone to have answers. Maybe it simply wasn't meant to be. As time wore on, as my rolling stone gathered moss, the notion of getting by one day at a time became more and more dissatisfying. I felt that I couldn't make measurable progress in finding peace until I understood the bigger picture of all this. For all I knew, this could indeed have come from some kind of wish, which would be unequivocally terrible due to the suffering that had been required to make the people that showed me so much care. I wanted their lives to amount to more than a blank existential check.
"I guess I'll have to keep going."
"We're all here with you, sweetie."
"I don't know what I'd do without you all." I gave Lilika a one-armed hug in interest of staying within Betiara's continued embrace.
"None of us do, either." I looked over my five friends, seeing in their eyes that they felt the same way I did. Sekvi with their hidden anguish and need of an audience, Keff's long gaze searching for worthy continuance of his craft, Betiara's instinctual drive to form a family unit of sorts, Lilika's wish to comfort and guide those that needed it, and Rags' appreciation of anyone that showed him patience and kindness... they all needed the other as much as anyone needed them. It seemed to me that the roots that Lilika had advocated had been planted.
"Ship's here," Keff interjected as he stood. "Matches the description. Everyone ready?"
"Yes," I lied.
"Me too."
"I'm looking forward to seeing the steppe."
"Nereved shall know me in a new light, for I am Sekvi, the Song Weaver," they declared, standing upon our closed barrel of water with their fists held aloft. We all stood in receipt of the ship that would ferry us to the fabled, distant capital. Much like the river boat I had recently seen at this dock, this one was similarly narrow and flat with a modular build style. Two sails lazily carried the ship along the flow of the river, aided by a mild breeze that flowed between a distant part in the West Karth Mountains. The silhouette provided by the last light of the sun made the ship feel more impressive than it really was. I wished that I had my phone so that I could take a picture of this scene. The lanterns along the ship lit the visage of working crew, casting their shadows along the deck as the ship approached. A halfling man, dressed differently than the others, ordered the sails to fold and lassoed a tie-off at the water's edge.
"You're the six for Nereved, then? Which one's Seeri?"
"My name is Sekvi, and we are those six, captain."
"Oh no, see, I'm taking Seeri and their six to the capital. This isn't your boat." He looked us over, entirely nonplussed before his laughter eased the building tension. "I couldn't resist! Come on aboard, Sekvi and company, I'll show you around." Captain Tafter, as we were soon told, pointed out the various features of the ship as well as the various duties they would incur during our transit. We were to help the crew along the way in a supplemental capacity in exchange for free passage. That suited me well enough; I became bored only too easily, and learning different duties aboard a ship would keep me occupied during our long voyage. The strength of Keff and Betiara were obvious. Sekvi would assist with entertainment and education on various matters, Lilika was to use her keen eye and temporary flight as a lookout, and I would assist with inventory and course calculations. I had traveled an entire world away to do inventory work without the benefit of stuffing myself with Taco Bell afterward. We all had our roles, and shortly after that, we had our beds among the rest of the crew. I lamented our coming lack of privacy as we introduced ourselves to the crew. They offered dutiful receipt and assurance that we were welcome on board as long as we didn't make anyone's work more difficult. It was acceptable enough to all of us.
I emerged from below deck and climbed atop a tied crate to watch the last remnants of Letvel fade behind me. My time in the city had been one of tumultuous uncertainty contrasted against deepening connections with my friends. It was beautiful in the snow, and seeing it in twilight with the way its many lights lit its taller buildings seemed to settle it nicely against the deep shadows of the mountains behind it. The forest that raised up a distant hill and faded into the Karthos Valley made me feel as if I was leaving home for the first time. I had never gone far from Lancaster until I found myself in the Cradle. It was strange to feel such an attachment to a place in which I'd only spent a week, a place that inflicted me with as much trauma as it had provided solace. This area of this new world was where I had met my first friends and learned my first magic. I had my first real brushes with imminent death here. It wasn't just me, either; Lilika was leaving the land where her husband lived and died. Keff's smithy had suffered the same fate as Karthos Bend itself. Sekvi had lost their tower, everything in it, and a big part of what was in their heart. Betiara had lost her previous pack and the manifestation of a better life she had built for herself. Even Rags had lost his beloved place by the fireside.
I discovered amid my ruminations that loss was analogous to life. None of us could have had loss without having something that was worth losing in the first place. Loss and gain were mere games to some, and the entire existence of others. Others still never knew what they had until it was gone, and I was no exception to that. Karthos Bend had been a haven that I was lucky enough to see before its destruction. Of all the places I could have arrived when I landed in this realm of existence, I was happy to have called the town my temporary home. Despite how little time I spent there in the end, and how I had barely begun to establish myself there, it felt like a home of sorts. I mourned its loss as I mourned my own. Thousands of people had felt some amount of this feeling as well, with many feeling the loss much more deeply than I was. It all felt so unfair to them. The refugees in the theater had largely been far less lucky than I was. I was traveling to the capital often spoken of with reverence and wonder, but I felt that others deserved this experience far more than I did. I was simply being pulled along the river atop a boat that wallowed atop the same current toward the unknown.
My bed was more comfortable than my cot was, and warmer with the blanket that came with it. I hung my Spell Tome's holster from one of the pegs on my bunk with my cloak resting over it. My familiar pajamas stayed in my bag with all these strangers around. This small necessity further inspired my pensive mood, only broken by Betiara leaning over the top bunk to look at me. The sight of her lupine face, with her tongue hanging upside down over her nose, cheered me up a little. "Are you going to sleep?"
"Yeah, but I wanted to kiss you first. Is, that something you're comfortable with?"
"Hmh. Yes," I responded as I gently placed my hands upon Betiara's cheeks. Our mouths met for an unfittingly passionate kiss goodnight. Though I had some uncertainties over how I felt about her past deeds, I felt in my heart, my mind and my body that I wanted to experience this with her. I wondered if that made me a shallow person in some way. No one's past was spotless or without regrets, not even mine. All that was certain to me right now is that I needed to feel this moment with her. We kept going, and going, and going until she broke the kiss off with a grin.
"We can't do this all night, as much as I want to. ...goodnight, Madison. I'm here if you need anything." Her ears perked upward, or rather, downward, in a way that was simply too cute.
"Goodnight, Betiara. I'll see you tomorrow." With that, we retired to our respective rest. It took me some time to calm down after such an exciting moment. During that time I busied myself with the formulations of new spells. My various bouts of wishing I could be invisible made me wonder if I could create a spell that provided that exact effect. As well, during our battle with the burrowelter, I watched the way its many arms all acted in concert to potentially make multiple attacks in quick succession. That was a very scary thought that necessitated a way to limit enemy actions in some capacity. I busied my mind with ways I could arrange various components to organize these effects until my pulse finally resumed a resting baseline. A hole could have appeared in the bed above me with how hard I was staring at it, wishing it were large enough to allow Betiara and I to cuddle up together. There would be time for that in the capital. The nap I had taken earlier had carried me this far, but with the day's tribulations, I had earned sleep. The very gentle sway of the boat atop the Tagat River lulled me into a deep, restful slumber as I tried to picture what Nereved would look like when we arrived. It was only then that I realized I’d forgotten to say goodbye to Vaun and Rica before I left.