The same nightmares plagued me last night. Visions of nothingness accompanied twisted sounds and sensations that weren't my own. I woke feeling as if my esophagus had been scalded with burning air. My coughing woke Betiara early in the morning, each time serving to burn my throat a little further. Retching followed soon after. Was I going to have this experience every time I attempted to rest? Venturing underground had left me with yet another curse that I may never shake. The futility I felt nearly brought me to tears as I reclused myself to the balcony. Betiara followed me outside with a cup of water carefully held in her mouth. Her eyes and that face brought me some semblance of calm. "Thank you," I croaked after clearing my throat again. Water was gentler than air this morning, and I found myself nearly cured of my affliction after emptying the cup. My head lightly thumped against the window behind me as I looked out over the city. Sunrise was arriving earlier by the day, and the plains rippled beautifully under its light.
I felt strongly about my goal of solitude today, but it was difficult to watch Betiara leave. She cared so much for me; watching me struggle was clearly leaving her confused and uncertain of how to handle the situation. We were very much of the same mind. Helping Lilika prepare breakfast was a welcome distraction. A troubled look came over her when I explained my nightmares; she didn't know of a medicine or a spell that could free me of this ailment. If only I could cast Mending on my mind. I housed a fragile hope that an adequate healing spell would reveal itself in time, but until then, I prepared myself for my solo day. My traveler's clothes fit the bill of the day better than my fineries, so I dressed accordingly and brought my typical gear with me. There was no telling what supplies my transmuter's stone would require. As I prepared to leave, a knock at the door announced the arrival of the king's personal contribution via royal guard: a shoulder bag.
"Oh. Is there a...?"
"It's inside."
"Oh, okay. Thank you." I accepted the bag and stepped back inside. "Sekvi?"
"Yeees," they called in a musical tone from upstairs.
"I got a weird bag."
"Identify it!" Right, that was something I could do. A ritual circle was created in the loft area as I worked through the process of Identifying this weird bag. After several minutes of work, I'd gathered that this weird bag was far more than a mere bag.
"There's an extra dimensional space inside the bag! I can think about what I want and take it out."
"Ahh," Sekvi said as they emerged from their room in their typically dashing regalia. "A Bag of Holding is a very sensible way to transport 1000 gold pieces." We heard a clatter of a mortar and pestle from the kitchen.
"How did y'all get that kind of money?" I realized now that I'd neglected to divulge that little detail.
"A grant from the king," I explained. "Every Conclave member on the expedition got one." Once the work space was cleaned up, I placed 30 gold into the tray, which left me to divide the rest into shares of 194 gold.
"Oh, sweetie, I couldn't, not afte-"
"Please take the money, mom. Please just take the money. You all more than deserve it for... everything."
"Alright, sweetie, alright. Bring back any interesting plants you find for me." It took some convincing for the others to accept my offering as well, but I was eventually successful. I now had a bag that was far more practical than the one I'd purchased in Karthos Bend, which led me to the obvious conclusion of placing every potentially useful item I owned inside of it. Invisibility allowed me to leave at the same time as Sekvi so that I could avoid the prying eyes of the guards. With my hood up, I moved through the Interior Rings and out of the city in favor of the plains. The southern gate of the city was more heavily patrolled than it had been earlier this week, and I anticipated that the others were much the same. Now that I was seeing concrete proof of tensions rising in the city's security, I was sure that war was on its way. I'd need to speak to the others about forming an escape plan, should we be caught by surprise, and I made a mental note to research historic tensions between Nereva and Alanuwa.
The clear, open sky of the plains brought me solace as I renewed my Invisibility. Being unseen brought me unexpected relief, which compounded with every step I took outside of Nereved. I was far from the dark and claustrophobic passages of the Caverns now. Therimurk couldn't hurt me here, neither could Fithi or the Sun King, and I was an entire world away from my 'parents' and former roommates. A sheltered hillside and my camouflaged cloak created a sunny, pleasant spot for me to begin work on my transmuter's stone. No one would be able to see me with any detail from the wall, so I ducked low and ended my invisibility spell. I took a moment to lie in the grass and listen to the wind while the grass gently rustled all around me. Calm, quiet solitude grew into me as weightless tendrils grew into me and displaced fear and stress from recent days. It was the best possible change of pace that I could receive after a hectic week in Nereved. I breathed now as a dragon that basked in the sunlight. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt whole.
My mind began to wander while the rest of me lay still. Memories of Pennsylvania, with concrete highways and lifted pickup trucks, the noise of the city... it was difficult to miss these familiar things. Entitled attitudes, sports rivalries, and consumer cultures were far less in this place. There were likely those that would argue about pork barbecue and what constituted the dish in this world, but I hadn't run into such people. It occurred to me that I hadn't gotten out to shoot the wind with people since I arrived here. Most of my interactions had been focused on achieving some kind of goal, and not for pleasure or casual conversation. Did I need to slow myself down? I couldn't do that without losing a feeling of safety, could I? Little breaks like these, taken on a regular basis, would be critical to maintaining my emotional health. I wondered if stopping in one of the villages near Nereved would be a worthwhile endeavor; they could be fertile ground for lax interactions.
I noticed the presence of flowers among the surrounding grass. To stop and smell the roses was a common sentiment on Earth, but it found purchase here, too. I sat up to reach one of these flowers. It smelled perfectly pleasant, a reminder of the important things in life. Why had I been so reluctant to explore nature in this capacity? It was capitalism, trauma and lack of available space in the city that had kept me frantic. The grind demanded long shifts of constant work, which left me too tired on the weekends to do anything but whittle the hours away in my room. It had been the only place I felt safe, and I hadn't felt much safety in the thin strips of greenery that Lancaster had offered. I felt safe here, however, and much of that was due to my growing magical ability. Magical ability... I needed to begin my work. This work, in which I was the primary recipient of its product, was far more worthwhile than toiling away for pennies while someone else made thousands. My magic was for me, and my magic was healing in its own right.
I didn't know how to create a transmuter's stone; I didn't know where to start. Necessity was the mother of invention, however, and I felt inspiration from the way Tiny Hut had grown from a grain of sand into something more. I searched for a small rock in my immediate surroundings. There were few in the fertile lowland, but digging into the earth with my claws quickly provided such a stone. This small object, worn over tens of thousands of years from continental plates, would become the foundation of my greatest magic. A transmuter's stone was far more than a mere magical rock; it was a conduit of forces intrinsic to the universe, primarily the greatest force of all: change. I believed that encompassing change within the composition of this stone would be the key to harmonizing its existence with its purpose. A piece of copper, a piece of silver, and bark from a nearby tree would provide an adequate transition of materials for the stone's creation.
I spent the next few hours testing this hypothesis in a series of tests and arrangements; silver on one side, copper on the other, so on and so forth. My ability to shift one basic form of matter into another allowed me to meld each provided material into a single cohesive mass, and smithing techniques provided me with a way to condense the mass and purify it as much as I possibly could. Mage Hand held the lumpy mass of stone aloft while Fire Bolt heated it until it burned a bright red. I blasted the stone with the latter cantrip again and again to strip it of impurities... the endeavor was coming together nicely. Lengthy repetition of this action led to a compositionally concise stone that I could sculpt in any way that I wanted. I chose a small sphere, unassuming and practical, with a hole through the middle that would allow the stone to be worn along a string. Quickly rotating the stone with Mage Hand, while passing a heat-treated twig through its center, allowed me to shape the exact hole that I envisioned for wear on a bracelet. It seemed that I had finally progressed past the making of lumpy hammers.
The stone's heat shimmered the air above as it slowly cooled off. I tilted my head and framed the stone between me and the distant sea. A picturesque bifurcation of the landscape framed my stone in perfect summation of my progress. The sky above spoke to me of Earth, and the ocean offered new possibilities. Plains stretching below the stone reminded me of the Karthos Valley. This stone, however, was my current magnum opus in the shape of a Fireball. I realized in this moment that fire wasn't only a force of destruction, but an agent of change in itself. The creation of such a spell had felt so terrible because I hadn't yet seen all of its possibilities. Formulating that spell, in itself, wasn't just a sum of my past; it was a bridge that spanned into the future. Destruction and creation were limited terms that came from a limited point of view. I recalled what Lilika had told me of the druidic perspective, and how taking a wider view of the world allowed one to better understand it. An uncomfortable thought rang through my mind: had I been unhappy on Earth because I had failed to realize its possibilities as well?
My eye ridges furrowed as I considered myself. There were miracles on Earth, such as medical transition with its myriad processes that could even direct the rushing currents of biology. It had given me some amount of freedom in a world that wasn't especially conducive to it. My life had largely been unhappy because of mere chance, yet things had taken a turn when I received a second one. The people of this world were often kinder, more patient... or had I only gotten lucky? Would I have been happier if I'd been able to live somewhere else on Earth? I felt that cultural differences weren't the only factor in my increased existential comfort; becoming a dragon and a dragonborn brought a sense of completion to me that gender never could. It would be so nice to have both, and this little stone was my mission statement of self-determination. The other side of Therimurk's coin was to urge action rather than reaction on my part. I was doing more than reacting to the world now, and more than that, I was now conscious of that fact.
That was the key to everything. This was something I needed to remember. I looked out over the sky in note of the time; it was late afternoon by now. Where had time gone? The amalgamated stone had grown cold during my ruminations and fallen to the ground. What was more, there were several people wearing colorful, woven clothing and packs that were looking at me from the bottom of the hill. I blinked as my bearings returned to me. "Hello," I called with a small wave. They returned the greeting. A tall, thin person with a bovid nose took a step forward.
"Is everything okay up there? You were staring off."
"Oh, yeah, I'm okay. I got really lost in thought."
"I see, sure. What do you have there? We trade."
"Oh, I'm trying to make a magic stone." Lilika had mentioned that the plains nomads were open to trade, so I felt safe to approach them. I held my stone up so they could get a look at it. "It's not magical yet; I'm trying to fit the last piece of that puzzle." This appeared to amuse the traders, who were mostly minotaurs, people akin to the one I was speaking to, and what I assumed were satyrs of some kind.
"Well, it's very nice as is," the stranger kindly offered. "In the meantime, do you have anything for trade?"
"Oh, right, sorry. I have some spell components I could part with."
"Oh! Do you have charcoal?"
"I do, actually." I pocketed my transmuter's stone-to-be and retrieved some charcoal from my component pouch. A quick trade later netted me some fresh herbs. "Thank you. My adoptive mother makes medicines, so these will be really helpful."
"We met someone that talked about her adopted daughter recently," explained a light-furred minotaur. "Human, light hair, about this tall? She had a staff like yours."
"That's her, yeah!"
"Like mother, like daughter, hmhm! How's Lilika doing?"
"Things are a little stressful in the city but she's doing well with her medicines. She made a miraculous rub for sore muscles the other day."
"That's always good news. It's good to meet you, what's your name?" This was the casual conversation I had been looking for. I couldn't help but smile with continued ease.
"Madison, it's good to meet you too."
"Are you an academic sort, Madison? I couldn't help but notice your book there."
"'Academic' gives me too much credit, but sort of! This is my Spell Tome, um... I record and organize the, well, building blocks of existence into certain outcomes. It sounds way more impressive than it really is."
"It sounds impressive to me! If you can do all that, maybe you can help us with something? We got a potion the other day and we want to be absolutely sure what it does before we drink it." The tall trader procured a glass bottle full of shimmering yellow liquid. I thought it was only responsible that they didn't want to drink an unknown yellow liquid. Potions were a relatively new concept to me; I had heard they could contain magical properties.
"If you have a few minutes to spare, I could totally do that for you."
"We have all the time in the world, go right ahead." I located some flat ground and got to work on another ritual cast of Identify. The spell revealed the potion to be a Potion of Climbing, which increased one's strength and mobility while scaling vertical surfaces. This information was relayed to the traders, who offered me some food in exchange for my work. I accepted a selection of mushrooms for my troubles, which were quickly included in tonight's dinner plans. "Thanks for your help! Tell Lilika Stevas and us said hello when you see her next."
"I will, thank you for the mushrooms and the conversation!"
"Alright, take care, Madison." Just like that, the nomads were on their way again. Their group wasn't terribly large; I had to imagine there were others. Some of them had to be druids, given that their clothing was made very much of the land, as well as the fact that several of them carried staves of their own. I felt a sense of refreshment as they departed. Socializing often taxed me far beyond my ability to handle it, but positive interactions seemed to help. This made me wonder if I hadn't really been so terrible at socializing on Earth. Perhaps I simply hadn't meshed with those around me, or the culture we inhabited by chance. I looked down at my unfinished transmuter's stone and wondered how to complete it. A sigh that passed through my nose revealed a trail I could follow. Inspired by this moment, I climbed to the top of the hill and surveyed my surroundings. The light was turning orange as grass rippled in imitation of waters beyond. I knew what I needed to do.
My little transmuter's stone, soon a vessel of transmutation's myriad forms, was part of me. I was many things, but above all else, I was a single consciousness embroiled in the tumultuous ocean of existence. It was time to embrace that fact instead of fighting it. A surge of wind blew against my back as if spurring me onward. I closed my eyes and exhaled a willful breath as I had atop the city of Nereved. A plume of magical energy erupted from my mouth and flooded over the stone, imbuing it with possibility. Knowing that my breath encompassed Wild Magic, I waited for a moment to measure its effects. Nothing adverse seemed to take place. For the next stage of my plan, I channeled Enhance Ability into the stone, focusing on my greatest personal asset: intelligence. The final step was to perform a Fireball spell that targeted the interior of the stone itself. It would, in theory, be a culmination and a catalyst of change as one, intrinsically fueled by the progress I had made and my will to see further progress in the future.
A ringing noise sharply rose into a shuddering quake within the stone that rocked my grip. It grew hot in my hands once more, but I held on. Rose gold light shone outward from the palm of my hand like a beacon and dissipated into a flash. I gazed upon my results as the stone took on a cool, glasslike feel. It had become a transparent approximation of my scales' colors. The metal within had turned to gold, its flecks suspended amid rosy glass. I couldn't help but feel that it was beautiful, with the way the light cast pink light upon the ground and the central tunnel that ran through the center of the stone. Ritual casting Detect Magic confirmed that my efforts had produced a magical stone of some sort, though I wasn't sure what the stone did yet. Identify indicated that it had an open-ended nature that encompassed many possibilities. If I was going to see through this darkened haze, I'd need to test its applications through trial and error. In any case, I had accomplished my goal. It was time to head back to the city.
I made a bracelet for the stone as I walked. It fit neatly over my wrist and brought a smile to my face. My day away from the city had done me well. Progress had been made in my understanding of the world, in the understanding of magic, and in the understanding of myself. I walked with a clear mind for the first time since I arrived in Nereved. After 22 years, I finally felt like a person that was allowed to exist. The power to do so had been given to me by me, and I was slowly learning how to use it effectively. Invisibility became a boon once again as I approached the city walls. It felt so good to shake the Sun King's surveillance. The other side of this token made my stomach sink as I crossed the threshold of the Southeast gate, however: a banner was posted atop a nearby stand that featured likenesses of Fithi and I. My breath held in my chest; I suddenly felt exposed. I wouldn't be able to read the notice without casting Comprehend Languages, which would end my Invisibility spell, which meant that I'd have to duck into a concealed spot to switch spells.
The Interior First Ring was my closest and safest option for this endeavor. A lonely row of buildings cut into the rock provided shelter for the endeavor. I knocked on one of the doors, and when I heard no response, stepped inside to find an empty room full of discarded furniture. A thick layer of dust lay over every surface, and I saw no footprints along the floor; it was clearly disused. A quick ritual cast of Comprehend Languages later, I hurried back outside to check the banner I had seen before. It read, "Arcanist Conclave Awakens Old Nere! Story Inside," suggesting an editorial volume was being sold. I put my hood up and bought a copy for a copper piece. It was a short, soft-backed publication that described exactly what had happened underground with some creative embellishments, such as my actions being heroic. Thankfully, the other researchers' contributions were listed as well. The back of the booklet featured various commentaries on the event. Some spoke in enthusiastic favor, while others questioned whether these ancient matters should be unearthed. It concerned me, as well, but it was nice to see people thinking highly of me.
This increased exposure worried me, though. Acknowledgement would bring expectations, and being transgender on Earth had instilled a fear of being recognized. What if the Conclave or the Sun King discovered something awful in the Caverns that caused trouble for the people of the city? All of the blame would blow back on Fithi and I. If something helpful was found, however, we would receive undue praise. I was looking at this with a limited view that I'd need to expand, but I wondered if I would be better off not speculating on such matters. The people of the Cradle were usually a sensible sort, and wouldn't likely ascribe ill will without good reason. Part of me hoped that nothing further would be discovered at all. I fiddled with the small stone at my wrist as I ascended the External Rings of the city. Relaxing at home would help me measure my perspective. The apartment was empty and quiet when I arrived. I lit the hallway candle and settled into my room to review my elementary magical notes, as well as the possibilities of my transmuter's stone.
The stone wasn't giving its secrets away for free. I sighed and closed my tome in defeat. "What can you do?" I asked of the stone. There, of course, was no response; a stone that could talk was a stone of an entirely different kind. The front door opened to admit a hurried Lilika with Rags at her side. "Mom? What's going on?"
"Oh, you're here! I just came by to pick up some medicines for the rats, but if you're here... we should wait for everyone," she mused aloud. "That's just as well, I could use a sit-down."
"What are we waiting for?"
"The rats want to meet Sekvi and Betiara tonight. I'll be bringing some food and medicine with me."
"Oh, speaking of, I met Stevas, the nomads say hi. I traded some charcoal for some plants; they're on the counter." Lilika's face brightened at the news.
"You seem like you've had a good day."
"I have, so far. Clearing my head helped a lot." I stood to give her a hug. Rags leaned against us as we embraced; Rags was a very good boy. "Oh! Look at this, I made this. It's the transmuter's stone!"
"That's wonderful, sweetie! What does it do?" I wished I could provide more exciting news.
"I don't know yet. Do you want to take a look at it and see if you can find anything?"
"I suppose I could." I transferred the stone to Lilika's wrist and waited for her to announce a miraculous presence of magical effect. "It feels warm on me, but I'm not feeling anything else."
"I think warmth means that it's doing something," I ventured. Casting Fireball as part of its creation could impart warmth during activation... it seemed plausible to me. "Would you feel safe with hanging onto it and seeing if anything happens? I didn't get anything during my walk back."
"As long as you think it's safe."
"It should be. The intent I put into it was to help, not to hurt."
"Then I have all the confidence in the world," Lilika assured me. I felt confident that this mystery had an imminent solution. Until then, I was content to cook with my adoptive mom. She had sold several of her medicines today and made over 100 gold! The group wouldn't have to worry about money for some time. We spoke about the publication I'd found upon my return to the city, and she felt that I was over thinking the matter. She was probably right. The mushrooms I provided for our dinner were praised for their nutritional value, and in our hands, they made for tantalizing mushroom burgers. We were just plating the meal when Sekvi, Keff and Betiara arrived. They were all flabbergasted by the stacks of gold coins I had left for them this morning. Each one tried to refuse the gift, but my refusal of their refusal was absolute. I didn't have any need for 1000 gold while I had access to free enchanted ink at the Conclave. Sekvi marveled at my transmuter's stone while Keff and Sekvi explained that they were going to quit their jobs.
"It's starting to sound like we might leave before long," Keff evaluated while stroking his beard. "I don't like how hot it's getting at the armory, and I don't want to get stuck in the middle of some war."
"Neither do I," Betiara said with a nod. Her brow was furrowed as she looked down to her folded arms. "And with this money, we don't have a reason to be apart anymore."
"That's very sensible. Madison has won a handsome sum, Lilika's medicines are doing well, and I am making quite an impression in the entertainment circuit."
"But we need to address the elephant in the room," Betiara sighed. "Madison... if anyone needs to be guarded right now, it's you." I was taken aback by the sentiment. It was obvious that she cared deeply for me; the entire group did.
"Oh, I'm actually feeling a lot better after today. I feel accomplished, and just, generally a lot better."
"How long will that last?" She had a point. I closed my eyes to soften the blow to my pride.
"What about using your position to enact change?"
"We're meeting the rats tonight; I'm sure they have ideas. I'd accomplish more by working with collaborators than I could on my own."
"I... I understand." I took a deep breath and tried not to admonish myself. It was okay to not be okay, and my wider perspective highlighted that the others' consideration of my worth was more informed than my own evaluation of my worthlessness. "I love you, too." Betiara's expression eased into a smile, and we both rested easier for it.
"Thanks for not fighting us on this," Keff offered with a smirk. "I came prepared."
"Yeah. I'm realizing now that I have room to make my own decisions, and I need to let you make your own. If I feel guilty about not being okay, that's my problem, and I'm probably full of shit anyway." I took a bite of my mushroom burger and nearly fainted. Lilika had made a dressing that tasted something like mustard and horseradish, and it went very well with the mushroom. "This is fucking amazing, Lilika." The others agreed with my review of our food, though Betiara expressed that the dressing was a little strong for her nose. Lilika nodded her head and continued eating without a word.
"We understand why you feel that way, love. You didn't have a lot of opportunities to express yourself before, did you?"
"No. Having any kind of emotion makes me feel guilty for having it."
"That is no longer the case," Sekvi said. "You are free to feel how you feel, and we will hear you."
"Exactly," Betiara confirmed, her ears pulling back while she mulled something over. "Which is why we should also discuss... the way you've been drinking lately." My breath halted in my throat as adrenaline suddenly began to build. Lilika paused in the middle of a bite of food, swallowing before she spoke.
"I don't know if we should press that right now, sweetie."
"I mean the lid's already blown off," I sighed. "We might as well." Betiara had eyed the wine I brought home more than once. I braced myself for whatever condemnations were to come next.
"Well... I worry. You're dealing with a lot. I'm not trying to go on the offensive, um..." The adrenaline was peaking; had I ruined everything by attempting to find a way to quell my fear? "What does it give you that you can't find anywhere else?"
"It makes the shaking stop. I can focus, and feel easier. The..." It was difficult to phrase my experience in a way that wouldn't sound like an excuse rather than a reason. I had more faith in the others than that, but prior discussions of supposed harms on my part had come from bad actors. The only reassurance I could offer myself felt hollow. Whether this ship was sinking or not, I decided that I'd give it my best try. "Um. There's something about physical stimuli that helps me calm down. The buzz gives me something else I can immerse myself in, and I'm not getting, like, drunk. One of the bottles in there is for Vaun and Rica."
"I know what you mean," Keff offered. "It calms things down when they're too much."
"I will admit to partaking while I socialize. It eases my concerns. Social affairs make you nervous, no?" They understood... of course they did. I felt awful for doubting my friends.
"Yeah. I mean, it was nice to talk to the nomads today, but that's, it's not like a castle gala where I have to memorize social rules that don't make sense to me."
"I know what you mean, sweetie."
"So you're using it to help yourself?"
"I'm trying to." Betiara considered my answer while she finished her food.
"That sounds like a good sign, but I worry you might come to rely on it." She exchanged a look with Lilika, who nodded her head. "Is there anything else that would help you calm down?"
"Hugs help a lot, but those aren't always available... maybe I could add some tactile functionality to my transmuter's stone, or cast Prestidigitation when appropriate." The others found these ideas to be very agreeable, and Betiara immediately pulled me into a tight embrace. I allowed myself to go limp as I soaked in her protective warmth.
"Thank you for hearing us."
"Thank you for trusting me to." They were only worried about me. I wasn't being condemned or suffering enforced prohibition; everything was okay. My breath returned to me, affirming and calm, as I gathered myself for our imminent meeting with the rats. We decided together that we would all go, but none of us were sure how we could gather without raising our profile. I could only make one of us invisible at a time, and Sekvi assured me that my Bag of Holding wouldn't contain us. Given that we were to meet in a tavern on the First Ring, Sekvi suggested that we pretend to be celebrating my accomplishment in an unexpected location. This was the best idea any of us had. If we could arrange a distraction of nearby guards, it would only be more effective. With a plan in mind, we set off together. Our respective implements were placed within the Bag of Holding to further sell the story in case we were questioned. We entered a building on the First Ring that catered primarily to tourists. It was busy at this time of night, which would buy us some quiet while we spoke of controversial subjects.
Our group of six piled around a large table near the back of the building. Everyone but Betiara ordered a drink, including the two wererats that joined us at the table. Toddrick was immediately identifiable by the way he carried himself, reserved and confident, though it was now clear that he was a half-orc. I recognized the halfling messenger, Elwina, from yesterday. Lilika placed her hand on my shoulder and explained that she could see very well during our walk. My transmuter's stone was tested by its removal from her wrist, and sure enough, her vision darkened in the mild light of the room. I couldn't help but smile as I realized my success; the stone had temporarily transmuted the ability of her eyes! Even better, the stone was able to provide benefits to others! We toasted our steins together and took a hearty sip. "You've been busy," Toddrick observed in my direction.
"That's putting it lightly," I remarked. "The attention's more than I can take." Sekvi and Lilika chuckled at my joke.
"Still, that attention could be useful. I'm sure you've all heard the whispers of war?" We confirmed that we had. I began to infer where this talk was going. "We have an opportunity here. Everyone will be planning for war and exploring the Caverns for propaganda victories, which leaves us with freedom to act during their oversight."
"What kind of act is that?" Keff was always ready to ask the hard-hitting questions.
"The people don't want war," Toddrick continued, "so it's best that it doesn't happen. We see two ways to make this happen: approaching from the top and moving down, or the opposite. Either way, Madison's position could be critical to our efforts."
"Oh, no, he's-, I'm too visible to the king; he's all but told me I'll be used as a pro-war symbol." I wondered how I had found myself in this position. We had only come to Nereved to spread word of the earthquake; the discovery of my draconity had catapulted me into a whole other sphere of consideration. Were dragons really that important? I had to wonder why now, of all times, the king had ordered an exploration of the Caverns. He likely knew something I didn’t. "Look, I don't want a war either, but he's got leverage. He got me into the Conclave, and I think he chartered the expedition knowing that we’d likely find something."
"How would he know that?" Elwina's skeptical tone was absolutely warranted.
"I don't know, all I have is a hunch."
"Do you care to enlighten us?"
"I can't tell you that," I quietly insisted. Toddrick scoffed and shook his head.
"Are you really on our side?"
"She is," Betiara interjected.
"Full transparency, I told one person at the Conclave that there are wererats in the tunnels. No, they're not going to bother you." Toddrick tossed his hands and whispered something to Elwina, who shook her head in response.
"Why would you tell them that? Why would you tell us that?"
"They have ways of ensuring the truth, and being a member with royal endorsement is good for them; they want me in there. I had to explain why I was so sick as I left the Caverns. I told them you just want to be left alone and that you don't have anyone or anything worth investigation, and I'm telling you because you need to be aware of the moving parts if we’re going to do this." Silence descended over the table as Toddrick and Elwina whispered to each other. The rest of us exchanged glances of uncertainty.
"If they have ways of 'ensuring the truth' and you're already in their attention, we'll do this on our own." The wererats stood and left without a further word meeting our protest. I blinked, wondering what had just happened.
"What just happened?"
"I did say that I was to do the majority of the talking," Sekvi unhelpfully reminded us, which earned an elbow from Betiara. "Ow. Well, I suppose I understand their caution. You yielded information very easily to the Conclave and to them, and if Zones of Truth were utilized by the powers that be, you would be very easily compromised."
"Fuck. What about the rest of you?"
"We'd act in your interest first," Betiara expressed as she rubbed her temples. "This is fine. We can do our own work, and they can do theirs." I couldn't believe how quickly I'd managed to ruin this endeavor. It was done so quickly, in fact, that I'd ruined it before it had even begun. My forehead met the table in an expression of frustration.
"Oh, sweetie, what does this change?" It changed a lot. I opposed this system of government and its inherent ills, as well as its consequences. I wanted to help, to leave Nereved better than I found it. It would also be nice to prevent a war that people didn't want. "Betiara's right, we can still make a difference."
"How do we do that? I still can't be the one doing it."
"We can do it outside of the castle's view," she suggested. "There are villages in the plains; guards would stick out like a rotten kerva."
"Adventuring," Keff offered. "Do you know how many stories come from adventuring? Plenty of political messages are inspired by stories whether they're true or not." Betiara looked over to Keff with a quizzical eye.
"You've never struck me as a political type."
"I've got a hammer in this fight; when I found Madison she was cold, hungry and alone. There's too many people in the world living like that. Besides, I’m a student of history." We all found this to be a pleasant surprise. The formidable belch that followed an equally formidable swig of ale was far less so. It did a lot to ease the table's mood.
"I don't enjoy it either," Lilika added. "This whole city is a monument to inequality. ...didn't y'all notice?" The claim took us all aback as we exchanged looks.
"I feel as if I should have recognized that fact sooner... terribly embarrassing."
"Grandpa has nothing on this place."
"I fucking hate this place, mom."
"Heh! I did."
"I like Keff's idea." Lilika leaned back in her chair to survey the group. "What do we think?"
"It's lucrative," Sekvi said. "And it’s an effective way to redistribute some of the city's wealth."
"I could use a way to hone my technique." Betiara began to tumble a coin down her digits. I couldn't fathom doing the same with my more dexterous fingers.
"Didn't care to make weapons for rich folk anyway." All eyes fell to me. What did it mean to adventure?
"Someone will have to explain adventuring to me. I don't know what that is."
"You go around solving people's problems," Keff explained in his mercifully concise manner, "and they pay you for it. It's dangerous, but it's fun."
"What's dangerous about helping people?"
"Monsters, usually."
"There are often environmental dangers, as well," Sekvi enumerated.
"And that's why it pays so much?"
"Sometimes. Best of all, it'll get us outside of this city and give our names some independent weight."
"Who would be insane enough to do this?" I asked, clearly unconvinced that the proposed opportunities outweighed the dangers. "I don't want to risk my life for money. Is there another way we can Robin Hood?"
"We're not robbing anyone's neighborhood, Madison." I loved my girlfriend more every day.
"No, like, Robin like the bird and hood like his hat... it doesn't matter. Is this really viable? I'm, I don't know if I can do this." I took a minute to consider the situation from another perspective. A deep breath helped me chase fear and failure away. Adventuring could be a way to affect the changes I wanted to make, or at least inspire others to do the same. Practical experience would better inform my magical progress, as well. The potential cost, however, could be high. Inviting unpredictability and even death was the opposite of what I wanted for any of us. I surveyed the expectant faces at the table. Betiara's quiet confidence, Lilika's warm encouragement, Sekvi's lighthearted generosity, Keff's stoic certainty, and Rags' diligent support melted my opposition to the idea. Choice was becoming a theme in my life, and I had a choice to make now. I rubbed my arm as I considered all of the spinning plates before me. "Can we be judicious about the jobs we take? I really don't want anyone to get hurt."
"We'll ensure that doesn't happen," Betiara insisted.
"Hurt will have to get past me first," Keff said with a laugh.
"I'm as cunning as I am stunning." Sekvi was in a class all their own.
"We haven't been idle," Lilika assured me. "Our skills have been growing, too. Connecting with the plains and the Underground has given me insights; I can treat all kinds of injuries."
"Can you treat death, though?"
"If I can get to you fast enough, yes." My eyes went wide. Was it really possible to reverse death itself? "Nature is very powerful, Madison, and so is love." I didn't know how to respond to that sentiment, but I certainly trusted Lilika and the others with my life. It was agreed that we would explore adventuring as a means of affecting change for ourselves and the world around us. Domestic life in Nereved, with all of its limitations and responsibilities, clearly didn't meet our needs as individuals. Our cups came together in toast of the idea. I made my choice, and my choice was to trust the people that sat with me in success and in failure. They healed me when I was sick. They encouraged me when I was afraid. They gave me a reason to fight when I had lost hope. Most of all, they weren’t upset at me for disrupting our attempted collaboration. Memories of aiding the valley's refugees in Letvel flooded back to me. I'd wept from the depths of my core in the face of all the suffering we had shared; not all of us had been lucky to have the choice that I had now. It was time to transmute my fears into something new.
We decided to check job postings in the morning, with visiting the villages our backup plan. The Exterior First Ring was still active at this time of night as we left the tavern. Throngs of people gathered around market stalls, street performances, and outside of rowdy clubs. I walked arm in arm with Betiara. Her warmth chased night's falling temperature away as we parted scattered seas of light along the road. My eyes closed as we nestled into each other. The rest of the world fell away in this moment of calm, and I felt safe again. A change of pace could be good for us all. It had ultimately been good for me, and I was grateful to be here in the Cradle for this moment. A single action inside a dream had made all of this possible... it was so much to consider. I wondered if this world was created by my wish, or if it had always existed somewhere among the stars. Even dreams weren't perfect; I was content to believe that the lived lives of those around me confirmed their reality, and felt I couldn't stomach any alternative.
"Betiara?"
"Yes, love?"
"I want to show you something."
"What is it?" Her ears perked in curiosity. My heart felt lighter at the sight.
"It's a place, up on the Ninth Ring. It helps me feel better." I watched her expression fall, likely in remembrance of her last visit to the castle garden. This was why I ensured her knowledge of our proposed destination beforehand. "I know you might not want to."
"If it's important to you, I'll go."
"Are you sure?"
"You've made sacrifices to understand me better. I want to return the favor." I pressed my head into her shoulder, which was quickly wrapped into a sheltering hug. Love was something I considered ever beyond me. Being transgender had gotten me rejected by any potential connection I could have made in that regard... at least, that was true on Earth. Betiara saw past it all: my troubles, my passions, and my physical existence. She didn't love a body or a species or a shape, she loved me. I felt the same way about her.
"Thank you, love, but I wouldn't want it to be a sacrifice if it didn't have to be."
"It's not; I... could have worded it better." We stopped by the apartment to wish the others goodnight and pick up the cinder block; it was starting to get cold outside. Keff opened the heater vent and promptly went to bed. Back outside with warmth ensured, we took the long way up the city for the sake of my anxiety. It was quite a journey to ascend Nereved's heights, which reminded me of Lilika's assertion. The higher I climbed, the nicer the facades of buildings were. Trees along the upper Rings quieted the environment and provided cleaner air. The castle garden was public, as far as I could ascertain, though the trip was arduous. I imagined those that couldn't walk would be trapped on the First Ring alongside the majority of the population. This all soured my perception of the night's endeavor, but it could give Betiara and I something to talk about in the meantime. The wind started to pick up as we crested the Seventh, Eighth, and finally the Ninth Rings.
"I come up here sometimes," I explained to her as we sat down, "and just... watch the clouds, the city, the wind over the grass. I feel calm and free up here."
"It's nice. I can see why it calms you down."
"Yeah, it's a little away from everything, and it's not underground. I think, um, I'm really not made for caves."
"Because of your experiences?"
"That, and I feel kind of hemmed in. I noticed it on the streets in Letvel, too; I think it's my draconic instincts." I felt her paw rest atop my hand, her slightly stubby digits lacing themselves between my fingers."
"I wonder how big you'll be. What do we do if you can't fit in the apartment?" I couldn't help but laugh at the idea.
"I'm probably won't be able to be me in this city. All the attention... the king wants to use me for his war. I thought being a dragon would mean an end to my problems, but it just seems to bring more. And, like, how will you and I navigate that? I'll probably be a lot bigger than you are, four legs; that'll be all kinds of awkward."
"We'll figure it out," she assured me. "We figure things out now; it probably won't be so difficult."
"I hope not. Ooh, I could fly you around!"
"If you're big enough, you can fly us all around."
"I'm not a taxi," we laughed; Betiara didn't know what a taxi was, but she still found humor in my cadence. "It's a car you can hire to take you places."
"Can you tell me about cars again?" I proceeded to do exactly that. She held an endless fascination for Earth and the way things were done there. Most of the latter was detestable from an anti-capitalist prospective, but I could tell that she enjoyed hearing me talk. "If you find a way to go to Earth, I'd love to see a movie with you."
"That would be nice. The theaters are dark, so we could kiss and hold hands in the back where no one could see us." A moment of pleasant silence accompanied lingering smiles, but Betiara's faded as her ears lowered.
"I want to ask you something, but I'm not sure if it's a comfortable topic."
"What is it?"
"What did you look like as a human?" I never would have expected that to be her question. What did I look like as a human? The memories felt so far away now, and I'd grown so accustomed to my new face that it had become my instinctual normal. I wrapped my tail into my lap and fidgeted with it.
"I had curly brown hair that went past my shoulders, and dark brown eyes. Light skin, um, fair and gentle features, though my cheekbones were a little visible. I inherited a cleft chin from the person that should have been my mother."
"What shape were your eyes?"
"Round, like Lilika's. I didn't have the monolid like you do."
"Okay, I'm getting a clear picture now."
"I was thin, a little too thin, around average height. My hands and feet were on the bigger side, and so were my shoulders. Um, oh, I had breasts, which was a thing." Listing these differences only deepened my appreciation for how I looked now. "And I didn't have a tail," I finished with a chuckle. Betiara was listening closely, her face alight with curiosity.
"It feels... weird to think of you that way. I thought it would help me understand who you were before we met.”
"I appreciate that. Trust me, I feel the same way. It was really hard to picture my face."
"You sound like you were pretty. You still are, I mean, but-"
"Thank you, love." I gave her paw a squeeze. She wore a bashful smile as our eyes met again. We could feel romantic tension filling the air, and we quickly came to a mutual decision. A kiss on the lips set my chest aflutter. "It feels so nice to be loved by you."
"That feeling is mutual, too. Thank you for bringing me up here. It's nice to see the world from so high up."
"I've started calling it my perch in my head. Maybe one day I can be up here as a dragon and take off into the sky." Our heads gently met as we looked upward together. Few stars were clearly visible, but we could still see some of them. "I wonder if any of those are Earth. You could see other planets on Earth sometimes, like Venus. It's really bright sometimes."
"They say the stars can lead you home if you watch them closely enough."
"The sky's so big and detailed; it's amazing to me that people can navigate that way."
"I've always thought so, too." Betiara paused as we watched clouds drift across the night sky. "Have you thought about the future? ...our future?"
"For the first time in my life, I've been focused on the present more than anything," I admitted. "Have you?"
"Sometimes. A dragon and a werewolf... we have a small house outside of town, tucked into the trees with plenty of tall mountains for you to perch on. We can grow our own vegetables like Lilika does." Her narration painted a sweet vision in my mind, something calm and ours alone, far from trouble or danger. An aliferous feeling rose in my chest as the wind picked up. I briefly felt like I was flying, and I concluded that I should think of our future together, as well.
"What else would we do all day?"
"Anything we wanted." I had no idea what I would want to do. All my life, until relatively recently, had been spent in chase of survival. If that wasn't something I had to do anymore, I'd have to do something normal, like take up a hobby. Lying in bed and living in my phone wasn't something I could do here. I could join Sekvi in making music, learn further crafting from Keff, or study all things magic. People on Earth had told me that it was never too early to start thinking of one's future, but I never thought I would have one to think about. Achieving my transition had felt very similar to the way I felt now about claiming my draconity; once I reached that point, I'd be able to think of everything else that came after it. I wondered what dragons did for fun. The mental image of two large dragons meeting over a chess board to discuss the weather made me smile. Having a future to consider felt like a blessing, but it came with its own weights. "What's so funny?"
"I have no idea what I'd do with my life, so I imagined what a dragon would do for fun. Two dragons playing chess and talking about cloud formations... I thought it was funny."
"I don't know what I'd do with myself, either... maybe we'll find something along the way," Betiara mused aloud. "As long as we find it together."
"I'd really like that." We enjoyed the nocturnal view of the plains for some time, laughing, joking, and musing over various aspects of life. Everything felt simultaneously important and unimportant as we merely lived. I looked over the buildings we descended along the Rings, imagining all the people living their lives. In spite of my appreciation for this world, I still felt like an outsider in many ways. Sentiments familiar and unfamiliar constantly muddled in my mind. Spending time with my friends, however, made these troubles feel further away. I felt that they were my way forward now. The cold wind that blew over the city served only to highlight the warmth I found in Betiara. Each breath I took made me feel more real than the last. Success and failure felt like a narrow way to measure my life now. I had inelegantly blown our chance to collaborate with the wererats, but Betiara was right: we could find other ways to contribute to people's wellbeing.
Arriving at the apartment put the rest of the day into perspective. I had been awake for a long time, and my legs ached for rest, as they did after every day spent in Nereved. I found my transmuter’s stone on the bedside table. Betiara and I settled into our room and changed into our respective night clothes after giving Rags praise for investigating our arrival. As we settled into sleep, however, I felt unease come over me. Anxiety bloomed in my chest. My tired eyes looked into the dark of the room and filled my vision with false presences of Therimurk, which only shook me further. I summoned all the courage held in my trembling body and retrieved one of the magical green candles in the hallway. Once lit, it didn't provide an abundant amount of light, but it was enough to chase shadows from the corners of the room. Betiara lifted her head from the floor and looked at me with a whine. "It's okay, I just, the dark is too much." What had my life come to, that I was afraid of the dark as well as mundane fire light? Betiara climbed onto the bed to curl up by my legs. My second bid at sleep was more successful amid my brightest lights.